Dear Dr. Norquist:
I’m having trouble getting back on my feet since my company downsized about 2 years ago. I’ve devoted the past 29 years climbing the career ladder at a large company. Getting a job in my field in not an option at all right now. So here I am, in my 50’s, looking for a job. Not an enviable position, right? My kids are in college, fortunately at State schools, which I can still afford. Things are tight financially. I’ve been at a temporary job for a while, still looking for something better. I never imagined the bottom would drop out of my career, especially when I was in my 50’s. This is a strange time for me. My wife is supportive, and has a steady job (luckily) – but I’ve been irritable and kind of depressed, and not sure how to move forward. Any suggestions?
Dr. Norquist responds:
It’s like you’ve been climbing a mountain for years, and suddenly the path you were on ended before you reached your destination. Now is the time to re-evaluate your destination. You probably started on the path many years ago, when you were in a different phase of life. Often, when we are in our late 20’s and 30’s, we are willing to devote ourselves to our careers, and marry the company (so to speak), because we think that success in life is about achievement, recognition, and material rewards. Most people in their 50’s have a different view. They realize that fulfillment doesn’t automatically appear once we have climbed the ladder. The push to climb that ladder of success can lead to decisions that short-change marital and family relationships, and parenting responsibilities. The goal becomes more important than the process of getting there. Living a life of integrity can be left to the wayside in an effort to get ahead on the ladder. Pleasing the boss can become more important than being there for our children, or supporting our spouses.
You have been given a chance to lift your eyes from the path, gaze around you, enjoy the view, and re-evaluate in which direction you’d like to head. This is the perfect time to stop to consider not only which path you’d like to take, but in what way you’d like to progress down that new path. You can use the wisdom you’ve gained from the past 50 years to make decisions that fit your needs as you see them now. Stop and ask yourself what gives you your greatest sense of fulfillment. Achievement and material gain are very important. However, is that all there is to life? Perhaps this is a time to step back and take a broader view of life, and determine for yourself what gives your life meaning. Money does not bring happiness. So what does? Only you can determine that for yourself. Perhaps it’s OK if your career takes a backseat right now, as long as you and your wife are bringing home enough to meet your financial needs for the time being. Most people find that it is the quality and depth of their relationships with those they love, with themselves, and with their spiritual life that brings the deepest sense of fulfillment to their lives. This is a great opportunity to bring your life more in alignment with your values and to focus on creating a life that is rewarding in ways that you may have overlooked up until now.
Dear Dr. Norquist:
It seems I can never be happy with myself. I never feel pretty enough, or perfect enough in my looks. I go to the gym almost everyday, but still my body is not how I think it should be. I try not to obsess about it, but I do. I’m afraid to get intimate with men I meet, because they might see the places where my body isn’t perfect. I know this is stupid, but it’s how I feel. How do I get out of this rut?
Dr. Norquist responds:
You are so much greater then your physical body. Do not diminish yourself in this way. No matter how perfectly your physical body fits your mental image of perfection, it will ultimately let you down. Ultimately, as you know, it is helpless against the forces of nature, and the aging process. Do not make the body your God, or you will set yourself up for a life of misery. Happiness found through the body is short-lived.
What are you really looking for here? Is it happiness? Is it to feel loveable, and to feel loved? There are many who have bodies others would die for who still are not happy and do not feel loved. A perfect body is not the answer to happiness or loveableness. I know you probably know this intellectually, but your thoughts and behaviors speak otherwise. If your goal is happiness, you need to change the road you are on. You are speeding down a path that does not lead to your goal.
Happiness and loveableness are not related to being “perfect” in the usual meaning of this word. Many are raised thinking these two concepts are correlated – but nothing could be further from the truth. Think about those in your life who you genuinely love. Do you love them for their “perfect-ness”? Think of those that you know who are always perfect – in their looks, dress, actions, mannerisms, etc. Does their “perfect-ness” engender feelings of love in you? Are you attracted to them because of their perfect-ness? Chances are it’s harder to feel love towards those who need to be perfect, because you can’t get a glimpse of the genuine person. There’s too much gloss in the way. We love others (and ourselves) for our humanness. We are attracted to others for qualities such as their genuineness, their frailties, their openness, the light they carry, the adversities they struggle with, their virtues, and their ability to love.
Try to consciously work on changing your focus. Remind yourself you are loveable as you are. The more you recognize this, the more others will reflect this back to you. Focus instead on giving, loving, appreciating, feeling gratitude, and seeing beauty around you, for these activities bring joy to your heart. They allow you to feel love within your own heart. This allows you to experience your own loveableness, and the happiness that you are seeking.
Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, 51 Newark St., Suite 202, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding and treating physical symptoms and health-related concerns. Practitioners of the following techniques are available to answer your questions: psychology, acupuncture, therapeutic and neuromuscular massage, yoga, meditation, spiritual & transpersonal psychology, Reiki, Cranial Sacral Therapy, and Alexander Technique 2002 Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center.