If it came down to choosing a trip to an amusement park or a visit to the New Jersey Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV), I’d actually have to stop and think about which would be less painful to endure.Sure, at the amusement park you get to go on hair-raising rides at breakneck speeds after you wait in line for hours, but you also get to do the same thing getting a license to drive in New Jersey. And at the DMV, you only have to go through line once that day.
That’s right, folks – your buddy Hal here is SOOOOOOO damn bitter that he even hates amusement parks. It’s not that I’m some spineless wus who’s worried about tossing his animal crackers after stumbling off a roller coaster like Bronson Pinchot in True Romance. And it’s not like I’m reluctant to spending ridiculous amounts of money on a temporary diversion from reality – after all, I do drink a lot. But to quote South Park’s festively plump faultfinder, Eric Cartman: "the one thing I can’t stand – all the lines, lines, lines, LINES!!!"
You line up and wait for parking ($10), you line up and wait to pay admission ($48.75). Then you line up and wait to ride the rides, and in between you can line up and wait to get something to eat or line up and wait to use the foul restrooms. I can’t think of too many worse situations for a guy to endure, except maybe waking up one day as a conscript in the Turkish Navy, being forced to watch Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood or having to live through a reintroduction of Prohibition.
Nevertheless, despite my obvious objections and rather unspectacular history of controlling my patience in public situations, the girlfriend recently decided it would be a grand idea to drag my acrimonious ass to Six Flags Great Adventure in Jackson (off Exit 7A on the Turnpike or Exit 98 on the Parkway) and pack me into their lines like gunpowder in a muzzleloader; knowing full well I could go off at any second.
The plan was to get the main attraction out of the way first, then move on to the rest of the park. Superman Ultimate Flight is this year’s cool new ride. It’s a pretzel-shaped inverted loop that reaches speeds up to 60 m.p.h. while riders lie semi-horizontal to the tracks, thereby highlighting the flying sensation. With all the hype about it on the TEE-vee, we figured it was most likely to be the longest wait. And boy were we right!
After waiting for, no exaggeration, TWO HOURS sandwiched between scantily clad, chain-smoking trailer trash and unruly, unsupervised middle school students from Hoboken Catholic (that’s right you little bastards. I’m rattin’ you out! That’s what you get for being belligerent in your matching school t-shirts!), the only Superman imitation I was looking to do was retreating to my fortress of solitude and keep away from crowds forever after. Then, just as we were making our way to the platform for takeoff, THE RIDE BROKE DOWN.
Apparently someone had smuggled some Kryptonite onto the tracks or something, but whatever it was, the customer service masterminds glibly suggested we try coming back later. Yet just as my face was turning redder than Superman’s cape, the Ultimate Flight was ultimately set right and we finally got to take our turn.
And at the risk of sounding a bit like Keanu Reeves, let me just issue the following statement:
"Whoa."
WHAT A KICK-ASS RIDE! Believe it or not, I almost thought about going back in that same cursed line just to do it again.
But there was plenty more to check out, like the Great American Scream Machine – a 3,800 feet, two-minute ride that takes you down a 155-foot drop and through three vertical loops, a corkscrew and two boomerang loops at speeds up to 68 m.p.h. Then there was the Medusa, the world’s first floorless coaster that rockets through highly banked turns for three minutes at speeds reaching 61 mph. And Batman: The Ride – a 2,693-foot coaster that includes two vertical outside loops, two outside helixes and a zero-gravity roll. Not to mention Batman & Robin: The Chiller, taking you from zero to 70 m.p.h. in four seconds for a hair-raising ride forward and then zipping you backward to where you started.
But among all the fantastic rides at Great Adventure, the be-all/end-all has to be the imposing, impressive and I’ll even admit intimidating Nitro. This was the only ride where I actually got a little scared. On the slow, steady climb up 23 stories, you get a lovely, pastoral view of the surrounding landscape, then VOOOOOOOOM! You drop 215 feet straight back to earth at speeds up to 80 m.p.h. But after surviving that, you open yourself up and let the ride take over as it twists and turns for over a mile of hyper-speed adrenal ecstasy.
After Nitro I was ready to find the nearest skydivers and take a flying leap, because nothing on the ground could possibly top the rush I had just gotten from that coaster.
At the end of a long day, my tune had completely changed and I was hooked. Despite all the irritation and annoyance of the amusement park experience, to me it was well worth the hassle. In fact, I may have even found a new habit. If you compare it to circling around Hoboken on a weekend looking for parking, then standing on line at a bar only to get inside and fight your way through the crowd to get a drink, I suppose there are a lot of parallels. And while you still occasionally get the scantily clad, chain-smoking trailer trash at the bars, the tab at the amusement park is usually cheaper and the hangover is nowhere near as bad.
NOTE: Tuesday-Thursday throughout the summer, you can get two-for-one admission to the park when you bring a bottle or can of Coca-Cola. My advice is to bring a full one with you and open it as soon as you get in line. By the time you get to the gate it’ll be empty and you won’t be so pissed off about having to stand in that damn line for so long doing nothing.
If you know how I can effectively waste $50 in the Metro-area, please write to:
"Hal Wastes His Wages"
c/o The Current
1400 Washington St.
Hoboken, NJ 07030
or email c_halleron@yahoo.com