By Dr. Sallie Norquist
Dear Dr. Norquist:
I’m not sure what’s reasonable to expect from my teenage son. I get upset with him for not being on top of things, not trying his best, not getting enough sleep, spending too much time on the computer or with his playstation, doing his homework in front of the TV and being late to school.Is it unreasonable for me to expect that he is on time for school, that he try his best academically, and that he get himself to bed by 11pm so he can get a good nights sleep? It doesn’t seem unreasonable to me so I get so frustrated when my son doesn’t do these things. Talking to him, whether kindly or angrily, doesn’t seem to work. I’d like him to be mature enough and responsible enough to do these things on his own. But it just isn’t happening. I am so frustrated with him. Do you think my expectations are reasonable? My son is 15.
Dr. Norquist responds:
No, I do not think your expectations are unreasonable. It is important that you hold these expectations for him. Our children need guidelines and expectations to aim towards, rebel against, and use to establish internal standards for themselves. They need structure and consistency in their lives, and part of this structure is our expectations, and the behavior necessary to meet these expectations. I do think it is important that our expectations are not beyond our children’s capabilities. The expectations have to be attainable, or our children can end up feeling not capable enough, not smart enough, or not worthy enough. Getting to school on time, and getting to bed on time are expectations that are reasonable and easy to define. Doing his best academically is an expectation that requires that you are clear on what his capabilities are. This may require consulting with his teachers and advisor, so that the expectations you set are consistent with his abilities.
If you want your son to change, you need to set up consequences for certain behaviors. As you have discovered, talking alone won’t do the trick. You can reward him for meeting these expectations, punish him for not meeting these expectations, or set up a combination of rewards and punishments. The rewards/punishments should be appropriate (not too extreme or too lax), and they need to be personalized with regard to what matters to your son. What is most important is that you follow through consistently with whatever rewards / punishments that you have set up. In your son’s case, for example, they could involve time spent on the computer or with playstation games. There could also be a monetary fine imposed for late arrival at school.
As you know, the teenage years are characterized by tremendous changes. Confusion, inconsistencies, variable moods, and lack of sleep are hallmarks of this age. It is not reasonable to expect that a teenager function with the groundedness, commitment and consistency that one expects of an adult. These are the forming, developing, practicing for adulthood years. Make your expectations clear, set up positive and negative consequences for his behavior, and stick to these consequences consistently. Your son will not always get it right, but the guidelines that you set will pave the way for him to enter adulthood with values and behaviors that will serve him well in establishing himself as a mature and productive member of society.
Dear Dr. Norquist:
I have been more depressed than ever before lately. It scares me. I wouldn’t do anything to hurt myself, but I’ve never felt so down, empty and alone. I have trouble getting out of bed to go to work. All I want to do is sleep. I haven’t been able to share my feelings with my friends or family. I’m used to being the one they come to for strength and support. I’m so down on myself. I’m involved in a relationship that I know isn’t good for me, but I can’t seem to leave. My boyfriend was unfaithful to me, and yet I still can’t leave. I cannot forgive myself for not leaving. He was the love of my life. I was in heaven for the first year of our relationship, just being around him. Now I feel humiliated, angry, mistrustful, and full of self-loathing most of the time. I have no one to turn to. My boyfriend wants to stay together, but I can’t get beyond my anger and mistrust. I hate to admit how dependent I am on him. He took "heaven" away from me, and now I’m in hell and can’t see the way out.
Dr. Norquist responds:
Thank you for reaching out to share and to ask for help. I know that reaching out is not an easy thing for you to do. As miserable as things are right now, please know that things will not always feel this bad. It’s hard to recognize this when in the midst of a major depression. Your pain and depression are significant, and should be approached from both the psychological and the physical level. Your depression is affecting your physiologically, and it would be best if you would seek an evaluation for psychotropic medication to help alleviate the physiological and emotional symptoms of your depression. This medication will not permanently solve the situation, but it will soften your pain, ease your ability to function in your daily life, and allow you to experience hope. It will get you over the hump, so to speak, and make it easier for you to start the healing process.
You have lost your center. You mistakenly believe your happiness, your "heaven", lies with your boyfriend. You have projected your center of power onto him. He is not the holder of your happiness. This is the belief that you must change. You are left craving the emotional high of that first year together, much the way a substance abuser craves that memorable drug high, and in so doing, starts to revolve his/her life around the substance. You are the creator of your own happiness. You need to re-discover your own wholeness, and learn how to steer your life from your own center. In this way, you will reconnect with your own power and start taking responsibility for your own life, thus regaining a sense of confidence and self-worth.
When you find yourself thinking self-degrading thoughts, choose in that moment to stop that pattern. Recognize that it is a dead-end, a way to keep the status quo, the result of a wrong turn you took off the path that is rightfully yours. No matter what happens in our lives, or what anyone says or does, we have control over how it affects us – should we consciously choose to take that control. How you perceive and think about a situation determines how it affects you. Remember, you are only the victim if you choose to see yourself in that role. You can turn this into an opportunity for much growth in the ability to create a full and satisfying life for yourself.
Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, 51 Newark St., Suite 202, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding and treating physical symptoms and health-related concerns. Practitioners of the following techniques are available to answer your questions: psychology, acupuncture, therapeutic and neuromuscular massage, yoga, meditation, spiritual & transpersonal psychology, Reiki, Cranial Sacral Therapy, and Alexander Technique Ó 2002 Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center.