By Dr. Sallie Norquist
Dear Dr. Norquist:
I think I have been depressed off and on since I was in my teens. I’m 35 now, and sick and tired of going in and out of depressions. I’ve tried therapy, off and on. It helps somewhat, as does anti-depressants.I’m never so depressed that I can’t get out of bed and do what I have to do each day. but sometimes for months at a time, life feels gloomy and I feel like the world is gray, and I have trouble enjoying anything I do. My friends and family are used to my "moods", but I get angry at myself for getting depressed so often. Sometimes I think I’m "damaged goods". I sometimes feel bad that my family/friends have to be around me when I’m depressed. I know it affects how I feel about what I have to offer as a potential wife. Do you have any advice for me?
Dr. Norquist responds:
A helpful way to view your feelings is to see that your depression is not the problem. The problem is that you identity with the depression and then judge it as unacceptable. There is a perspective that you can practice where you can observe or witness your feelings without identifying with them – almost as if you were a detached observer. The trick is to observe your feelings without judging yourself, or feeling "bad" about yourself for having these feelings. It’s not that certain feelings are unacceptable. Feelings just are. If you don’t reject or identity with feelings, they will more easily pass through you, like a river, and move on. Low self-esteem could be seen as the result of having identified with what you have rejected in yourself, and judged as "not acceptable". Self-love exists when the rejected (not acceptable) parts of yourself and the accepted parts of yourself are the same. If you do not identity with and label these feelings as "bad", and yourself as unacceptable for experiencing these feelings, then your sense of self-worth is not in doubt, and depression doesn’t find fertile ground in your life. Practice observing your feelings, without judgment and let me know what you think.
Dear Dr. Norquist:
I’m wondering about your thoughts on raising children. I come from a background that I don’t want to repeat – so I don’t really know how to mother, or what’s most important. I want so badly to raise emotionally healthy kids, but I know that because I came from a dysfunctional family, I’ll probably repeat some of my parents’ mistakes. I don’t know what I can do to avoid this. What’s most important? Can you give me some pointers?
Dr. Norquist responds:
Our children imbibe our predominant feelings and ways of being. If you want your child to care about others, you must live this trait yourself. If organization and good work habits are important to you, then you must approach your own daily work in an organized and disciplined manner. Because you didn’t mention it in your letter, I’m assuming you do not yet have children. One of the best things you can do right now to ready yourself for parenting is to conscientiously work on developing the traits that you’d like your children to manifest. Imbibe these traits into the essence of your being and make these traits alive in your daily life and home environment. Our children imbibe who we are, not what we tell them we’d like them to be. They are molded by our predominant feelings. The more you improve yourself, the more you enhance what you have to offer your children. Kahil Gibran expresses another concept that I believe it is important to understand in his poem on children: "Your children are not your children, They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself. They come through you, but not from you … You may house their bodies, but not their souls …" Recognize that your child is his/her own person, with particular needs and propensities, talents to share and lessons to learn. Our children do not arrive as blank slates. As parents, our job is to see, understand, accept, and love who they are, not who we want them to be. They are not here to feed our egos. The more our self-esteem is on the line, the more we get in the way of our children’s natural blossoming. As Gibran puts it, "You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth." We are here to help them to get the best possible send-off into life. In other words, another important part of parenting is letting go, when the time is right. Seek to provide your children with a sense of safety and a belief that people and the world are trustable. As time goes on they will no doubt experience instances where this is not entirely true, however, it is important that they first develop a basic belief that the world is safe and trustable. You provide this through your own attitude towards the world, as well as through your relationship with them; by being there, being aware, available, consistent and trustworthy. Try to protect them from exposure to people and environments that are otherwise. Our children’s innocence needs to be protected. Their feelings need to be heard, respected and attended to. They need consistency and organization and predictability in their lives. They also need limit setting. They need the structure of knowing where the limits are (in behavior, for instance), and what the consequences are for going beyond these limits. The consequences have to be consistent and predictable. Listen with your whole being to your children, and you’ll find you will learn from them how to best parent them. We do not have to be perfect parents (nor is it possible). Most of all, they need our respect and unconditional love. Parenting is quite a growth-filled, multi-faceted journey – heart-wrenching, heart-bursting, life-affirming, and incredibly life-enhancing.
(Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.)
Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, 51 Newark St., Suite 202, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding and treating physical symptoms and health-related concerns. Practitioners of the following techniques are available to answer your questions: psychology, acupuncture, therapeutic and neuromuscular massage, yoga, meditation, spiritual & transpersonal psychology, Reiki, Cranial Sacral Therapy, and Alexander Technique Ó 2002 Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center.