Every now and then I catch a little bit of heat for this column because I tend to come across as a bitter bartender. As I explained to one reader, this column is a lot like that hour you spend after last call when you’re cleaning up, shooting the bull, and venting some of the steam that’s built up from the frustrations of the previous shift. Plus I figure everyone can relate to the bitches, gripes and complaints of a guy who works at a job he loves to hate.
Am I a bitter bartender? You’re goddamn right I am! But this past week I found out that I’m not the only one.
Lou Mustillo – veteran actor from such shows as the acronym dramas ER, CSI, NYPD Blue, Law and Order SVU as well as Seinfeld, Curb Your Enthusiasm (probably the best show on TV) and many, many more – wrote and performed in a brilliant one-man act titled Bartenders. In the play, Mustillo vividly portrays six salty old veteran bartenders and their approach to a trade that can put you on the top shelf one minute and pour you down the dump drain the next. He tells the story of the old guy breaking in the new guy, the tale of love lost because of the less-than-prestigious status of the profession, the party guy who always has a story to tell, the hypertensive guy who lives from tip-jar to tip-jar, the run-down old timer who lived too hard and blew it too fast, and the guy who has worked his way up from being "behind the wood" to eventually get a place of his own – learning everything there is to know about everything on the way.
There was so much accuracy to the characters that it almost made me want to get up out of my seat and high-five the guy after every sentence. From his diatribe on people asking for a top-off to his slamming the misconception that bartenders just sit around and hang out with their buddies (my girlfriend’s delusion), it was perfect. He discusses why non-tippers should eventually become invisible to a bartender, and he plays the song "Just Want to See His Face" by the Rolling Stones (one of my favorite songs). I connected with Mustillo and his show on so many levels it blew my mind. In fact, if I had anywhere near the superb acting ability or the exceptional playwriting talent of Mustillo, this is a play I probably would have written myself.
When I left the theater, I felt an incredible feeling of vindication mixed with relief over the fact that I’m not alone in my self-inflicted misery. There’s something about bartending that no matter how much you hate it, it’s the hardest job to leave. The obvious answer to that mystery would be the wads of green you put in your pocket after a hard night’s work. But there’s certainly more to it, and Mustillo did an excellent job of conveying that in the performance.
There’s an air of dignity to the profession that is easy to forget every now and then when you’re mopping up vomit, cleaning out an ashtray or washing filthy glasses. But when you’re working in a bar you have to talk, look, listen, perform, protect and serve. You’re a lot of things to a lot of people at once, and while it wears you down every now and again, it’s something that’s hard to walk away from.
Seeing this play has actually made me proud of my profession and restored my sense of being. In fact, I even brought that sense of honor and personal satisfaction with me the next time I hopped "behind the wood." It lasted for most of the evening, until some dolt knocked a full pint of Guinness down the bar and soaked all my tip money right after a female patron informed me that the toilet was backed up.
Nevertheless, I would recommend Bartenders to anyone who has been behind a bar, been in front of a bar, has thought about working in a bar, has been thrown out of a bar or has ever even heard of a bar. The play is a look at human nature through the eyes of characters who have seen it all and was staged by a man who knows what he’s talking about. Mustillo himself spent a number of years "behind the wood" before becoming a successful actor. Maybe there’s hope for me yet!
Bartenders is playing at the John Houseman Studio Theater, 459 West 42 St., NYC. Tickets are $45 and available through www.smarttix.com or by calling (212) 206-1515.
If you know how I can effectively waste $50 in the Metro-area, please write to:
"Hal Wastes His Wages"
c/o The Current
1400 Washington St.
Hoboken, NJ 07030.
current@hudsonreporter.com