Dear Dr. Norquist:
I’ve been going out with my boyfriend for 6 months now. This is the most serious I’ve ever been in a relationship. I’m 27, and my boyfriend is 30. I think he wants to propose sometime soon, so my question is how do I know when a relationship is right for me? I can easily see myself marrying him. He treats me well. We both want a family and with both of us working, we can afford a home and a family life. How do you know when someone is the right one? I come from parents who are divorced so I want to make sure I don’t follow their example.
Dr. Norquist responds:
Your heart tells you when you have met someone with whom you have a substantial connection. There is something extra there; a familiarity, an easy togetherness, a longing for closeness, a trust, a deep sense of understanding. Having a substantial connection with someone doesn’t mean there won’t be any difficulties to overcome, or even that it is right to be in a married relationship with that person. A marriage requires that both of you have similar values, and compatible visions of what you want for the future. You must be on similar life paths, so to speak. A marriage is a commitment to be partners in creating a home, a family (if that is what is desired) and a future together. It requires the ability to work together, to communicate well, and to jointly build a common vision. It is possible, of course, to meet people with whom you have a strong connection who would not be good partners, for a variety of reasons. Therefore, you need to rely on both your heart and your mind in making your decision.
Decisions are most true when they are not made out of fear or insecurity. You must first know that you can be happy and comfortable on your own. This will help you to trust your judgement. Decide which values and beliefs are most vital to you, and look to see if these are also shared by your boyfriend. This could include your religious/spiritual beliefs, cultural beliefs, basic values with regard to how to treat others, values in child rearing and values with regard to finances. Is the power/dominance dimension in the relationship satisfactory for you? Are both partners’ needs, feelings, and opinions respected and considered? No relationship is perfect in every dimension. What is most important is that the two of you are considerate of each other’s needs, feelings and opinions, and willing to take responsibility for your contribution to whatever difficulties arise.
Dear Dr. Norquist:
I have been in a relationship for almost two years with a guy who I believe to be wonderful. I feel this is the first time that I have been somewhat in love. We have our differences and our disagreements, but overall we get along fairly well. Not long ago we had a disagreement about something minor and I decided it was the beginning of the end of our relationship. I made a conscious decision that I did not want to be in the relationship anymore. I felt this was a good a time to end the relationship, because he had begun to talk about marriage and we had one too many arguments, and most importantly, I never told him that I am legally married (I have no contact with my ex-husband). I took our disagreement as an opportunity to free my conscience and myself. I feel it is much easier to end things this way than having to go into the details of the horrible relationship that I was in before. Anyway, he probably would not forgive me for having kept this from him. I want to remain his friend, because I like him and enjoy his company. He, on the other hand, is bitter, angry and wants little to do with me unless I remain in the relationship. He sees the obvious, which is a simple disagreement, and wants to stay together. I feel confused, sad, and lonely without him and at the same time I am also enjoying certain aspects of being single. I am not sure about what I have done and what I am doing.
Dr. Norquist responds:
You have been deeply hurt and feel much shame regarding your prior marriage. These feelings need to be dealt with before you will allow yourself to be fully engaged in another relationship. Your heart needs to heal before you can move on. Otherwise, this same problem will eventually emerge in any relationship you establish that engages your heart (whether its’ the current relationship, or one in the future). If you wish to experience love in your life, you must consciously decide to work on healing your past wounds. So, the question here is not whether or not to continue in your current relationship, but rather, are you able and willing to risk loving and trusting again. Do you want to live a life where your heart is never again threatened with pain and loss? If so, you will have to live a life devoid of the richness, fullness, and sense of meaning that loving offers. It’s like choosing to live a life in black and white instead of in color. I believe our hearts are meant to love fully, to open completely, to express their love completely – although this rarely occurs, because of prior scars. To love, you need to have the courage to risk pain and loss. This is much easier to do as a child, before we have accumulated the emotional residue of experiences where we have felt hurt, betrayed, disappointed, shamed, criticized, put down, ignored and in general experienced the vulnerability and risk associated with loving open-heartedly. It takes tremendous courage to love open-heartedly as an adult. But, the ability to do this offers the greatest treasure life has to offer.
You say you are feeling sad and lonely without your boyfriend, who you believe is wonderful and with whom you believe you are in love. I believe you do him a disservice to not give him a chance to accept your prior marriage, and to understand your fears. Take it slowly but steadily. My hope is that you give love a chance.
(Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.)
Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, 51 Newark St., Suite 202, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding and treating physical symptoms and health-related concerns. Practitioners of the following techniques are available to answer your questions: psychology, acupuncture, therapeutic and neuromuscular massage, yoga, meditation, spiritual & transpersonal psychology, Reiki, Cranial Sacral Therapy, and Alexander Technique Ó 2002 Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center