Dear Dr. Norquist:
I’ve lived a busy life, working full-time, raising kids, dealing the ups and downs of a tumultuous 30 year marriage and family relationships that have not always been easy. I have regrets about some of my words and actions and I still feel hurt by some things that have happened through the years. I just need to let go of it now, and feel some peace in my life. The word "peace" never really meant that much to me until now. My life feels so full of worries and self-doubt and resentment and guilt that I now realize how important peace is but I don’t know how to get that feeling.
Dr. Norquist responds:
You are certainly not alone in your struggles to feel at peace in yourself and in your life. Children often experience this state without noticing it. Peace, joy, laughter, deep restorative sleep – these are all experiences that come easily for many children. These same experiences are elusive for most adults. In fact, the longing for these experiences is often a root cause of many addictive behaviors.
Inner peace is the fruit of living a life of integrity. Sometimes people are tempted to make decisions or engage in behaviors based on deceits or wrong doings because it is to their benefit, and because they feel assured that they will not be discovered. What they don’t realize is that whether or not they are discovered, they have given up something priceless – the inner peace that comes from knowing they have acted in alignment with their own sense of integrity. Peace is a condition of the heart that is fostered through acting from a place of integrity; doing what you know in your heart is the right thing to do.
Peace is also fostered by living a healthy, balanced lifestyle. Try to stop your "busy-ness" several times each week and allow yourself to experience stillness. Observe nature, observe your breath as it flows in and out, and listen to the sounds around you. We require this "still" time for our health as much as we require certain food nutrients. Peace will elude you if you are constantly on the go, focused on time and the demands of the world out there. Learn to give yourself a time-out from thinking, worrying and ruminating.
Search your heart to see what burdens, losses, hurts, resentments, traumas, and fears you are holding onto. Write them down, and then consider each burden separately. Ask yourself what you need to do to let go of each of the burdens you are carrying. Sometimes this requires reaching out to another and doing or saying something to feel more at peace with the situation. Sometimes it requires actively choosing to forgive someone, or to forgive yourself. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that what you or the other person did was right, but rather, that you are willing to choose to let it go so that you can be free of the burden of hurt, anger shame or guilt that you are carrying by not forgiving. Sometimes this requires allowing yourself to step into the feeling of fear or of loss, and letting yourself fully experience it so that you can move on to a new place within yourself. Feelings that are not fully felt are left undigested (so to speak), so they hang around affecting your present day functioning and limiting your life.
Look at your underlying beliefs, perceptions, and expectations of yourself, others, life and God. In what way do these thoughts set you up to experience inner turmoil? Do you align yourself with beliefs that make you an easy receptacle for guilt? Do you expect perfection from yourself or others? Do you have a mental habit of judging or criticizing yourself or others? Do you believe you need others approval to be worthy or loveable? Try to ferret out and correct the root beliefs you are carrying that predispose you to inner turmoil, worries, resentment, fears and self-doubts.
I’ve tried to focus on practical actions you can take to experience more peace in your inner life. I hope this is helpful. Please write again if you have any questions about these suggestions.
Dear Dr. Norquist:
Two years ago, I was given a project at work that was important to the company, and, although I did my best with it, I feel that I failed. Though, believe me, it was not through lack of effort or time. I am disheartened about this failure, and have been wary of taking on any other significant projects. I no longer have the confidence to do so, and I know my boss has noticed this as well. How do I get out from under this shame at my failure? I feel like everyone at work knows about it and it make me want to hide out at my desk. Can you help because lately going to work has become a miserable experience?
Dr. Norquist responds:
Do you think that people who are successful in their endeavors have never had a "failure"? I believe success is born of our attitudes and beliefs. When things don’t turn out as we’d like them to have turned out, we have a choice about how we are going to perceive and react to it. In the example you gave, it appears that you have decided that you are a failure (not that the project failed or didn’t work as planned), and consequently you experience much shame and low self-regard. What if you were to look at this as a problem to be solved, or a challenging opportunity to learn rather then a statement about your own worth? Success is born of learning from our mistakes and trying again. It has nothing to do with your worth. Your worth is inborn, and can’t be taken away. What you have lost through faulty beliefs is the recognition of and experience of your worth. This is an opportunity for you to work on correcting these faulty beliefs as a means of healing your misery.
(Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.)
Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, 51 Newark St., Suite 202, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding and treating physical symptoms and health-related concerns. Practitioners of the following techniques are available to answer your questions: psychology, acupuncture, therapeutic and neuromuscular massage, yoga, meditation, spiritual & transpersonal psychology, Reiki, Cranial Sacral Therapy, and Alexander Technique Ó 2002 Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center