With all the talk about the forthcoming restrictions on cigarettes across the Hudson, I’d like to stick with the topic of restrictions and suggest their implementation on other, more dangerous products that can directly cause harm to innocent citizenry. Like cigarettes, they are available on nearly every
street corner to people of all ages – often found in most homes and within reach of children. Like cigarettes, they come in different sizes and styles – some even using colorful cartoon characters to attract the younger consumers. When people are done using them, these products litter the streets, doorways and floors of this and every metropolitan area, adding to the unsightly litter problems that already plague our nation’s cities. And while these products may provide some temporary sensation of satisfaction for the direct user, they are actually a very serious danger for those standing in the vicinity of that selfish person.
And what are these foul, wretched goods that are screaming to be bitch-slapped by the meddling hand of government regulation? UMBRELLAS, my fellow concerned Americans with an insatiable appetite for petty activism, UMBRELLAS.
Yeah, you might say Hal’s gone off the deep end here with his twisted, cantankerous propensity to get pissed of at nearly EVERYTHING – but I swear to you that umbrellas are potentially one of the biggest second-hand health threats facing our nation. People running around in a crowded area with sharp instruments in their hands are nothing less than recipes for disaster. My God, people – we learned that back in kindergarten!!! Every time it rains I end up hacking my way through a dense jungle of nylon and wire, shielding my eyes from their potential removal by some careless, self-absorbed jackass who’s
thrusting the umbrella in one hand and too busy barking at the cell phone in the other to notice the fact that anyone else even exists on this planet. Yet the sale and use of these products goes unchecked everyday right under the noses of our so-called civic leaders. But I’m not going to sit back and idly wait for my health insurance rates to go up due to the skyrocketing costs of treating umbrella-related injury. I’m calling for strict regulation now, and here are my suggestions:
1) No male should be allowed to carry an umbrella – unfurled, furled, sheathed nor concealed. Unless it can fire bullets, inject poison into unwitting victims or have a cool dagger in the handle (like Alex’s cane in A Clockwork Orange – that thing was sweet), an umbrella is pretty much a girly thing. Be a man and get a raincoat – not some snazzy Armani raincoat that you’re afraid might get wet
(hence the pansy umbrella delicately balanced in your daintily bent wrist), but a real raincoat. Stop by Home Depot (1055 Paterson Plank Road, Secaucus) and pick up one of those bright yellow utility raincoats – I got mine for $14, plus the sleek matching overall pants to boot!
Sure, you’ll look a hell of a lot like the Gorton’s fisherman, but I recall the ladies lovin’ that look on Clooney and Wahlberg (and to a lesser extent, the hunky John C. Reilly) in The Perfect Storm. By the way, the penalty for violation of this regulation will be an on-the-spot command public performance of Gilbert & Sullivan’s "Three Little Maids From School" by the male offender.
2) Nobody under the height of seven feet will be allowed to carry umbrellas. I’ve been stabbed in the back more often than Julius Caesar by knuckleheads shorter than me who just can’t see what ‘s going on around them because…well…they have a large, opaque piece of cloth severely compromising their visibility, goddamnit!!! Since men are no longer allowed to carry umbrellas, this means only freakishly tall supermodels and WNBA athletes will be issued them.
3) Anybody caught purchasing an umbrella from a street vendor will be beaten with it until said person realizes it’s just a cheap piece of crap that’s going to be blown inside out by nothing stronger than the breeze from a passing bicycle messenger, so said person is an idiot for wasting the money anyhow. This should cut down on the discarded umbrellas littering the streets, as well as be a hell of a lot of fun to enforce.
4) Anyone caught carrying a broken umbrella, particularly one with the cloth partially removed and the spokes exposed, will have said umbrella inserted rectally, then fully opened.
5) See above for ridiculously oversized golf umbrellas.
I implore our civic leaders to take action now on these issues, if not for us, then for THE CHILDREN.
America’s youth should learn at a young age that even with an umbrella you still run the risk of getting wet. No matter how young they are, it’s the duty of our government teach our children to either abstain from playing in the rain or to wear protection, like rubbers (y’know, those little things you put on the end of your…shoes) and of course, raincoats – not some snazzy Teletubbies raincoat that you’re afraid might get wet, but a real raincoat.
If you know how I can effectively waste $50 in the
Metro-area, please write to:
"Hal Wastes His Wages"
c/o The Hudson Current
1400 Washington Street
Hoboken, New Jersey 07030
Or via e-mail:
Current@hudsonreporter.com