Dear Dr. Norquist:
I have always led a very busy life until recently. I used to be on the go constantly working 12-hour days, busy helping my single mother after work, and hanging out with my friends. I guess I burned myself out, because now I have a physical condition that has forced me to leave work and I’m barely 35. Last year, I was diagnosed with lupus. I could never have believed what an effect this would have on my life. I have had several flare-ups in the past year or so. I’m often so tired that I can’t make myself a meal, or go for a walk. I never ever thought such simple things could be so hard to do. This has totally disrupted my life. I can’t work, I rarely see anyone other than my family. I can’t be nearly as physically active as I used to be. I can’t even concentrate for any length of time. This is not like me. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I guess I’m depressed a lot – who wouldn’t be in my shoes? Sometimes I think life is not worth it anymore, but I know I wouldn’t do anything to hurt myself. I’m miserable almost all the time. What do you suggest that I do?
Dr. Norquist responds:
You are suffering not only from the physical symptoms of the lupus, but also from the grief and anger over the many losses you have experienced over the past year or two. Losses come in many forms. There is the loss of being able to feel well and to physically do what you have always taken for granted. There is the loss of being able to engage in your past working world, with its challenges, stimulation, achievements, and all the daily structure and social milieu that surround it. You have also suffered a great loss to your developed sense of identity – your sense of yourself as a busy, productive career woman with an active social life. I’m sure this is just the tip of the iceberg in terms of the many losses you are experiencing. Aside from the fact that depression is often a symptom of lupus, it does make sense that you are feeling depressed. It would be abnormal to not go through a period of depression under such circumstances. If you let yourself feel these feelings, this can be a phase rather than a chronic state. Try to make the time to let your feelings surface, unhindered and unrestricted – the anger, the sadness, the grief, the fear, the sense of injustice, the regrets – everything that comes up. It needs to be recognized and expressed in order for you to make your way to a new plateau. Many aspects of your prior life have ended. You are going through a death of your previous life. You must recognize, mourn and accept this before the rebirthing process can be ignited.
An experience like this forces you to re-evaluate your life, and to ask yourself anew "what is the purpose of my life?" and "where do I find meaning in my life?" you have been stripped of the possibility of getting sidetracked in many of the outer world seductions. You are forced by your illness to slow down – to start anew. Remember, you still have all you need to experience joy and fulfillment in life, for these are inner-based rather than outer- based experiences. Your state and your way of living in each moment is what determines the experiential quality of your life. How you choose to view and respond to this illness will determine your everyday state. This condition calls you to take on a challenge, that is worthy of the most experienced mountain climbers. You are challenged to take the losses and limitations that have been imposed upon your life, and find a way to create a new life forged from the qualities and wisdom that you gain from dealing with this adversary. How you deal with this situation is your choice. You can get caught in the clutches of self-pity and apathy, or you can use it to develop great qualities within yourself. Be kind and patient with yourself in this process. You are human and you do not have to do this all perfectly.
Dear Dr. Norquist:
My husband and I have been married for more than 8 years. During the past few years, we have been spending a lot more time at home watching TV and less time doing things together as a couple. It seems like the daily routine of coming home and watching the television has just about stopped our ability to communicate with one another. My husband and I have started arguing over petty things. I asked my husband to go with me for marriage counseling and he agreed, but left it up to me to find a counselor/therapist. My question is, how do I know if a therapist is qualified to work with us? Do I have the right to interview them to see if their style will work for us?
Dr. Norquist responds:
In choosing a therapist, training and expertise are important, but what is just as important is a feeling of the "right fit" between you and the therapist. You can start by calling several therapists (hopefully those who have been recommended by friends or someone you trust). Ask about years of experience as a therapist, and their training and amount of experience with marital therapy. Listen intuitively to see if they respond in a way that you feel you’d be comfortable working with them. Then make an appointment for a consultation session with the therapist that feels most right to you. If after 1 or 2 sessions, you do not feel comfortable with the therapist or her/his expertise or technique, do not be afraid to make changes.
(Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.)
Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, 51 Newark St., Suite 202, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding and treating physical symptoms and health-related concerns. Practitioners of the following techniques are available to answer your questions: psychology, acupuncture, therapeutic and neuromuscular massage, yoga, meditation, spiritual & transpersonal psychology, Reiki, Cranial Sacral Therapy, and Alexander Technique Ó 2002 Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center