Dear Dr. Norquist:
So many bad things have happened to me recently. I can’t understand why. The only thing that makes sense to me is that God is punishing me. I can’t seem to get that thought out of my mind. Two people I loved dearly died tragically this year – one at the World Trade Center, and one in a freak auto accident. I’ve also felt betrayed by those I trusted at work and in my personal life. Nothing seems to work out for me. I really think God is out to get me. What can I do to change this feeling? It makes me feel doomed to future punishments – yet I don’t know what I’ve done wrong that makes me so worthy of punishment.
Dr. Norquist responds:
Our experience of the world follows our beliefs and our perception. If you want to experience the world differently, you must change your perception and your beliefs. It is human nature to need to find some way of understanding hurtful and confusing events that occur in our lives. Your way of understanding these events has been to see it as God punishing you personally. If you see God as punishing you, you cut yourself off from the support that spirit can provide in your life. Robbed of your connection with the spiritual dimension in life, depression and negativity can easily set in. If you believe God is a punishing God, you will overlay this interpretation upon any event in your life that is susceptible to this interpretation. In this way, you will go about gathering experiential proof for your beliefs. However, if you believe God is unconditionally loving and forgiving and available to lean on, then this will be the overlay you use when interpreting events in your life.
One belief leaves you feeling depressed, alone, susceptible to tragic losses and betrayals and cut off from God. The other leaves you feeling loved and supported, and amply nourished for handling any storms that come your way. Either set of beliefs can be used to interpret events in such a way to provide further experiential evidence of its validity. Which will you choose? Recognize that you have the free will to consciously work on changing your perception. Change your prescription, and practice seeing the world through different lenses. Over time you will find you can have greater and greater control over how you experience the events that occur in your life.
Dear Dr. Norquist:
I am attracted to someone I work with. We are both only 19. He always comes and talks to me. Every time we see each other we both get these huge grins. I’ve been thinking about him a lot lately. I really like him. But I’m scared to say anything. I only see him at work on the weekends because I am away at school during the week. What should I do?
Dr. Norquist responds:
Isn’t it fun to find someone you are attracted to? It makes life feel more alive, more exciting. If you re-define your fear as excitement, it becomes much more palatable. Physiologically, the response is similar (for fear and for excitement) – a faster heartbeat, a change in breathing patterns, perhaps butterflies in the stomach, feeling hot or sweaty, and not being able to think clearly. If you consciously choose to label these physiological responses as excitement, rather than fear, you are left feeling more empowered, and more able to take the actions you choose. In a fearful state, we experience a diminished sense of identity, whereas when we are excited, our sense of identity is more expansive. Practice seeing yourself talking with him, feeling excited, and having fun. From this state, what would you like to say or do to encourage this potential relationship? Remember always your innate unconditional lovableness and acceptableness, and you will not feel as vulnerable to his response to you. These feelings of excitement/fear can be an opportunity to play and enjoy life!
(Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.)
Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, 51 Newark St., Suite 202, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding and treating physical symptoms and health-related concerns. Practitioners of the following techniques are available to answer your questions: psychology, acupuncture, therapeutic and neuromuscular massage, yoga, meditation, spiritual & transpersonal psychology, Reiki, Cranial Sacral Therapy, and Alexander Technique Ó 2002 Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center