Dear Dr. Norquist:
I am having an affair with a married man. We have been seeing each other for over 2 years. He has three children in his marriage, a 21 year-old boy and two girls, 17 and 11. He has told me that he will not leave until his youngest daughter is about 16 and that she is the reason he is still staying in his marriage.
I am finding it increasingly difficult to trust him. I suppose in my situation that is not uncommon given the circumstances. I feel like I’m in limbo. The thought of waiting another 5 years for him worries me as I feel like all my trust will vanish. The thought of him, in the end, choosing his wife over me after all these years makes a part of me despise him, because I hurt when I realize I may not be important enough in his life.
I hate myself when I blame his wife because she has never done anything to me, but I get so jealous and frustrated. I think I find it easier to blame her as if it is her fault for keeping us apart, rather than look at him and realize he is the one doing it. Please help me to sort out my feelings. I need help.
Dr. Norquist responds:
You deserve a whole relationship, with a man who is able to meet you at least halfway. You are in a dis-empowered position (inside yourself) because you are in a relationship where you crave a commitment from someone who is not available. The inequality of this situation leaves you feeling jealous and mistrustful. He’s right, his responsibility is to his children first. Your responsibility is to yourself. This situation was not fair from the beginning, because he has a prior commitment. Your anger is based on an expectation he cannot fulfill. Decide to recognize your worth, and go for a relationship based on equality and physical and emotional availability.
Dear Dr. Norquist:
I just found out my wife is two-months pregnant and I am very excited about the birth of our new baby. We have been married for one year. But, my wife, who is used to eating very unhealthy (fast foods, etc.) now wants me to eat whatever she eats to keep the baby healthy. I am concerned about the baby and she only gets mad when I make a suggestion of eating something she can not. Her mood swings are hell and I don’t know how to deal with them.
I want her so much to want to care about the baby but she wants me to make every sacrifice she makes and I want so much for her to want to make the sacrifices for the sake of the baby herself (not that I do not want to) on her own.
How do I deal with the fact that everything I do is wrong and selfish and let her know (besides, dinner, flowers, etc. which I have already tried) that I care? How can I help her to understand what a man goes through during this time?
Dr. Norquist responds:
It is not uncommon for a woman in her 1st trimester to not be as rational and understanding, and as giving as she may have been before pregnancy. This is a time when she is less likely to be able to empathize with your feelings, because of the tremendous physical and emotional changes she is experiencing. Everything is in a state of flux – including her moods. She may (subconsciously) be feeling resentful that the two of you made this baby together, yet for now she is the one having to deal with the changes and limitations it imposes on her. These physical and emotional changes speak so loudly right now for your wife that she cannot hear how you are also affected. It sounds like she needs to feel that she is not in this alone. Of course, you know she is not in this alone – but she may need your reassurance of this through words and behaviors.
It may be helpful for you to talk with friends who are fathers. See what it was like for them when their wives were pregnant. Search for books about pregnancy that both validate your feelings and help you to understand your wife’s reactions. Don’t worry – she will soon return to her normal self!
Above all, see if you can find a way to connect with your wife, so you both can feel supported. This is a special time in your life. It passes quickly. See if the two of you can find new ways to enjoy it!
(Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.)
Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, 51 Newark St., Suite 202, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding and treating physical symptoms and health-related concerns. Practitioners of the following techniques are available to answer your questions: psychology, acupuncture, therapeutic and neuromuscular massage, yoga, meditation, spiritual & transpersonal psychology, Reiki, Cranial Sacral Therapy, and Alexander Technique Ó 2002 Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center.