Dear Dr. Norquist:
I don’t know if you’ve written on this question before or not. If so, I’m sorry that I missed it and I hope you’ll consider this question anyway. I’m the mother of two girls (3rd and 7th grade). In general, they are doing OK, except for my older girl, who doesn’t seem to feel good about herself. This is an issue to some degree with my 3rd grader, but especially so for my 7th grader. I’ve always struggled with the same problem myself so of course I blame myself for their lack of confidence. It really bothers me when I see either of them not feeling good about themselves, especially when it affects their friendships and schoolwork. What can I do to help them (and myself) to feel good about themselves?
Dr. Norquist responds:
We are all like diamonds, each worthy and precious, with our own unique way of reflecting God’s light. We do not have to change anything or be anything other then who we are in order to be worthy. There is an art to embracing and appreciating each person as a unique expression of God. Practice seeing yourself and your daughters (and everyone else, for that matter) from this mindset.
The poet-saint Kabir has a great suggestion in this regard: "Don’t focus on what you are not." Instead, embrace and love all of who you are and who your daughters are. Its easy to habitually focus on what we (or our children, or partners, etc.) are not; not smart enough, not pretty enough, not athletic enough, not popular enough, not good at math, or science, or art, or whatever. The list of "not good enoughs" can go on and on and on. It’s also easy to unwittingly pass this perspective and this way of criticizing ourselves on to our kids. Then our children internally start comparing and judging themselves, constantly finding ways to see themselves as not good enough. Try to turn this mental habit around, by conscientiously verbalizing to your daughters (and internally to yourself) how precious and unique they are. See their unique talents, the qualities they possess that you find so loveable, such as your daughters’ smile, her unique humor, her kind heart, her openness and curiosity, etc. Let them know about these qualities that are part of who they are, that you find so loveable. Change your mental habit of looking for faults or weaknesses in yourself and your daughters, to one of seeing strengths and resources and the wonderful uniqueness of who you each are as people. Practice verbalizing this. Appreciate each other’s spirit. We do not come from the same mold, or cookie-cutter, nor are we supposed to. None of us are supposed to be anyway other than who we are. We each have a niche and a path, for our souls to journey in this world. Enjoy your life. Enjoy your daughters as they are. We are all perfect, loveable, innately worthy manifestations of God.
Dear Dr. Norquist:
My husband has had a drug abuse problem for over 10 years. He is now in recovery but he constantly resents me for making him choose his family over his drugs. He finally quit the drugs in order to get me and the kids to come home. The problem now is that the house is filled with emotional abuse. He throws it in my face that he quit and asks "what do I want from me now, my soul?" I keep saying I am glad he quit, but that he can’t treat us bad. All he seems to do is freak out on the kids and me. However, part of our problem is no communication. I talk he walks. I have changed over the last 7 years since we met and had our first child and I love him, but like a friend, not a husband. I wrote him a letter last time I left and he was really upset I didn’t talk to him about it. I just promised I would tell him if ever I left again. I’ve tried every day for the last year to tell him its time for us to separate, but nothing comes outta my mouth. I have dreams of just me and the kids living in our own place. I could really use some advice.
Dr. Norquist responds:
There is a phrase you may have heard among those in recovery … "He’s a dry drunk." When someone stops drinking or drugging, it is generally just the beginning of the change process. The problematic behavior, attitudes, life stresses and problems that fed the addiction do not automatically change as soon as the addict gives up his/her addictive substance. As you know, the desire for a healthier, happier life has to come from within. It sounds like your husband is not taking responsibility for the changes he has made, and those he still needs to make. In addition, he is attempting to make you feel guilty – "I changed for you and the family – so you should be happy." Just because your husband is in recovery doesn’t mean you have to continue to submit to his abuse of you and your children. You have a right to a home life that is not abusive. You have a responsibility to do your best to provide this for your children. He may want you to tell him before you leave, so he can do his best to talk you out of it. What’s most important here is that you take care of yourself and your kids, not that you tell him should you decide to leave.
(Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.)
Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, 51 Newark St., Suite 202, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding and treating physical symptoms and health-related concerns. Practitioners of the following techniques are available to answer your questions: psychology, acupuncture, therapeutic and neuromuscular massage, yoga, meditation, spiritual & transpersonal psychology, Reiki, Cranial Sacral Therapy, and Alexander Technique Ó 2002 Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center.