Dear Dr. Norquist:
My doctor and I have had interest in each other for years, so when we were both single, we started a "relationship." It started out, he would ask about me and everything that had to do with me. He wanted to know it all. We started this deep connection through our conversations and experiences. We would help each other out and understand each other’s needs. This lasted for six months. Unfortunately, it was months of inconsistent nights and weeks. We could never get it right and have a normal time together, something had to go wrong. What I didn’t understand was why did he want to know everything about me, have a liking for me but somehow screw things up? I don’t feel we are necessarily friends or even a couple, at this point. We are now down to e-mailing each other, due to a week’s break. However, out of the blue he called to hang out. I didn’t see the point of us seeing each other, so I declined. We still have this connection that he or I can’t explain. We can’t stay apart from each other.
Dr. Norquist responds:
It is not appropriate for a doctor to start a relationship with a patient. You didn’t say what kind of doctor he was, or in what way he assisted you with your health needs, but most health professionals have a strict ethical code regarding engaging in dual relationships with their patients. A doctor-patient relationship is not equal. The doctor’s role is to assist the patient in their healthcare needs. The patient to one degree or another, sees the doctor as the expert, and as responsible and trustworthy with regard to caring for her healthcare needs. There is an inherent power-differential in this relationship that can be exploited should the two of them become involved in a romantic relationship as well. I do not know exactly what the ethical code is in New Jersey in this regard for medical doctors, however, the N.J. State Board of Consumer Affairs is the licensing agency and it regulates unethical behavior for all the licensed professionals in New Jersey.
How much are your current feelings influenced by the fact that he is your doctor and for the years you have been entrusting him with your health and well being? This prior doctor-patient relationship leaves you more vulnerable to feeling hurt and betrayed when the trust you invested in him as an authority figure is broken. This can be especially damaging emotionally if you’ve had earlier life experiences where the trust you placed in important adults in your life was disregarded or abused.
This was not an equal relationship to begin with, and your doctor should not have crossed the doctor-patient relationship boundary. You were wise to decline his offer to "hang-out."
Dear Dr. Norquist:
I am a 19-year-old mother with a three-month-old daughter. I have yet to go without her since she was born because I am nursing. My mother and sister and my friends have started telling me that staying with her all the time is not healthy for either my daughter or for me. But I do not feel any need or desire to leave her. I will be starting college in the winter and I’m sure I will have a hard time leaving her. I do trust my babysitter so I don’t think that leaving her to go to classes will be overwhelming. Is it really unhealthy to stay with my daughter all day?
Dr. Norquist responds:
From the moment our children are born, they embark upon a journey of separation. It is the nature of the life force that drives us all to be continuously evolving. The first few months after birth can be incredibly fulfilling-just having this other being that completes you.
Winnicott, a British psychiatrist, used to say that there is no such thing as a baby; there is only the mother-baby unit. It is natural to want to be with your baby all the time. Recognize however, that this must gradually change. She will need-for her own emotional health-to feel comfortable in the world when you are not with her, just as you need to learn to separate from her and feel whole again on your own. Help her to experience the world as a safe place, even if you are gone for a few hours. If you feel comfortable leaving her for a few hours, she will learn to feel the same. You will grow immensely from the experience of being her mother. Enjoy!
(Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.)
Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, 51 Newark St., Suite 202, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding and treating physical symptoms and health-related concerns. Practitioners of the following techniques are available to answer your questions: psychology, acupuncture, therapeutic and neuromuscular massage, yoga, meditation, spiritual & transpersonal psychology, Reiki, Cranial Sacral Therapy, and Alexander Technique Ó 2002 Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center