Dear Dr. Norquist:
I don’t want to write and complain, but I can’t get my work life to make any sense at all. I think it should feel like enough is enough, to be living in this great country, in this rich country, and lucky to have a good job, but it’s a struggle to get into work on most days. There’s so much of my job that is now routine – move it from this pile to another, after looking it over, changing one or two things, stapling part of it together, checking the status on the PC, etc. I see the other people where I work and they seem to be in about the same space – waiting for Friday, glad when Wednesday gets here, sad and complaining on Monday. Is this the way it is all over? I’ve heard people say you have to find the right job, find the purpose in your life. How does all that square with making a living, with just being able to get and keep a job that pays well, so I can take care of my family?
Dr. Norquist responds:
You need to ask yourself what you are here for. Are you here solely to make money and provide a good living for yourself and your family? What is your life for? Certainly we have responsibilities to meet, financially and otherwise, that require an income. However, most full-time jobs eat up about a third of our time during our working years. That a lot of our life energy. If your job leaves you feeling unhappy and unfulfilled most of the time, is it worth giving it one third of your precious life, time and energy.
I’d suggest that you take a careful look at your life. Ask yourself what brings you joy. What excites or stimulates you? What peaks your curiosity and gives you a sense of meaning and fulfillment? These are the questions that need to be considered when you are choosing a career for yourself. I believe we are each born wired for a particular type of work; a gift that we each have to offer. We have a ‘fit’ with certain fields or activities, and when we find that fit, there is a sense of ease. It feels right. Doors open and everything flows more easily. Start listening inside for what makes you happy. Look carefully at past experiences that contained a spark of excitement or that you experienced as compelling in some way. This will give you clues about the direction that is right for you. What books or shows or activities have interested you over the years? What are your gifts?
Look at your current work situation. Is there a way you can shift your work responsibilities or environment to bring more pleasure and more meaning to your time there? Sometimes it is not the work situation that needs to be changed so much as your approach towards it, or towards your life as a whole. Consider the values you hold most dear and see how you can express them in your daily life.
None of us knows how long we have in this lifetime. If you knew your time would be up in five years, what changes would you make in your life? Why not start making those changes now? Remember, your experience in each present moment determines the quality of your life. Again, I ask you to consider, what are you here for? This is a question that you need to answer for yourself.
Dear Dr. Norquist:
My husband and I are currently going through an informal separation. This was his idea. Ever since our son (two and a half years old) was born he says that I don’t pay enough attention to him, like I used to before I was pregnant. I have tried to explain to him that our child should come first and he agrees but he still feels that he should be first and foremost in my mind. I love him with all that I have. This "separation" is merely a mental separation and not a physical. Our sex life is definitely better because of it, and I have been trying to compromise by giving ample attention to both my husband and son. I don’t want to lose him.
What do you think I could do to improve the relationship with my husband while not jeopardizing the amount of attention that I give my son? I am currently working full-time and going to school for my degree as well.
Dr. Norquist responds:
One of the signs of readiness to have children is the ability to defer our own needs in order to attend to our children’s needs. As parents, we need to find ways of taking care of ourselves so that, as much as possible, our needs do not get in the way of attending to our children’s needs. Of course, it is not possible to do this perfectly. However, this should be the case the majority of the time. Ideally, as parents, we are bonded enough with our children and have had our own early needs met adequately enough so that attending to our children’s needs first does not feel depriving. When this is not the case, then, professional help and advice should be sought. It is reasonable for you to expect (and to need) your child’s father to be a partner with you in attending to your son’s needs. Working together in you child’s best interests can serve to strengthen and deepen the relationship between you.
It sounds like you have too many places in your life where you are the provider (your son, your husband, your work, your schooling, etc.) and not enough places where you nourish and replenish yourself. This can lead to feeling too drained to have anything left to give. Take time out to recognize and honor your own needs – you need and deserve support as well.
(Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.)
Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, 51 Newark St., Suite 202, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding and treating physical symptoms and health-related concerns. Practitioners of the following techniques are available to answer your questions: psychology, acupuncture, therapeutic and neuromuscular massage, yoga, meditation, spiritual & transpersonal psychology, Reiki, Cranial Sacral Therapy, and Alexander Technique Ó 2002 Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center