Dear Dr. Norquist:
The Christmas season is upon us now, and, as usual, I’m really uptight about all I have to accomplish before Christmas. I make lists. I try to plan my schedule so that I can get everything done. But it feels like too much and I’m not at all looking forward to it. Mostly I’m looking forward to when this season is over – so I can relax. I’m not sleeping well because of everything I have to get done. I’m kind of hyper and irritable and not really there for my kids. What can I do to make this season more enjoyable?
Dr. Norquist responds:
You are approaching this season as a list of things to be done by a certain deadline. This leads to feeling overwhelmed because you are focusing on the future, seeing everything that you must do (the "whole ball of wax") instead of what needs to be done next. A much less stressful, more efficient, and more enjoyable way of approaching life is to see it as a series of simple things that can be easily taken care of, one at a time. By focusing on one thing at a time, you no longer feel overwhelmed. Also, if you are taking life one moment at a time, there is never a question of having enough time. Simply, practice focusing on doing in each moment what needs to be done in that moment and you’ll be amazed how everything works out. Try not to worry about later as this outlook only creates stress. What needs to be done later will be done when "later" becomes "now." We can never actually do anything later. Thinking of what needs to be done in the future, along with what needs to be done now, is a sure formula for feeling overwhelmed and "stressed-out." It reduces your efficiency and dissipates your energy.
The essence of what I’m suggesting is that you practice being in the present moment. The stress of the holiday season is providing you with an optimal opportunity to experiment with this way of experiencing life. Remember to enjoy your life. Relaxation and fun exist in the present moment. Being in the present moment is also a wonderful antidote for stress, insomnia and irritability. For further information, and techniques for accessing this experience, see Jon Kabat-Zinn’s book "Wherever You Go, There You Are."
Dear Dr. Norquist:
My girlfriend broke up with me after we dated for about six months. It really took me by surprise. I was in love with her and was going to ask her to marry me this year. A week after she broke up with me, she told me that she had strong feelings for my best friend. He was involved in a lot of my activities with my girlfriend during the past few months. I’m feeling hurt, betrayed, and bitter. I don’t know how I can deal with these two people, that I care about a lot. I feel that while he might not be dishonorable about my girlfriend, he is there for her, and as a result, he is not there for me anymore. He is also creating the opportunity for her to grow to like him, even though he definitely knew how greatly I loved her. Which way do I turn?
Dr. Norquist responds:
All situations in life affect us according to how we perceive and react to them. There are many ways you could react to this situation. It would be easy to get stuck in feelings of hurt and betrayal, and to allow this experience to have a negative effect on your ability to trust and to love open-heartedly. This response, then, influences future relationships. In fact, this would probably be the most common response. It is important to recognize here, though, that you can consciously choose to practice taking a response that leads you in a direction that is more positive and enriching. All events in life are opportunities. We can use them as a means of growth, (of re-committing ourselves, in action, to our values and goals), or we can ignore the opportunities, and respond in a way that diminishes who we are and further separates us from joy and contentment. Ask yourself what the most growth-promoting response would be here. How could you perceive and respond to this situation in a way that would allow you to act in alignment with your values and goals?
With each response, you are painting the mural of your life. Remember that you are in charge of this marvelously intricate painting. You can choose to use this painful life event in a manner that enhances the texture, depth, and theme of this mural you are painting. What I’m suggesting is that you can choose to paint your life more consciously, and reap the rewards for doing so.
(Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.)
Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, 51 Newark St., Suite 202, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding and treating physical symptoms and health-related concerns. Practitioners of the following techniques are available to answer your questions: psychology, acupuncture, therapeutic and neuromuscular massage, yoga, meditation, spiritual & transpersonal psychology, Reiki, Cranial Sacral Therapy, and Alexander Technique Ó 2001 Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center