Dear Dr. Norquist:
I am a twenty-year-old college student. I am in my third year, but do not feel as though I am enjoying life the way I could or should be. I feel as though I am just going through the motions, not really living. I have been depressed and angry since about 8th grade. It’s not fair to put my family or myself through the pain that I cause. I have a great family and great friends, yet I tend to push them away and feel I am better off alone (but I always feel lonely and ugly and all of that). It’s time I take care of myself so I can excel in life and live it to the fullest and help other people. Please help me if you can, God bless (that’s another thing: I want to feel connected to the God and the meaning of life … can you help me?)
Dr. Norquist responds:
You have not yet experienced your loveableness. Love is the spirit and soul of life. Love is what gives life meaning. I’m not talking about love in the traditional romantic sense of the word. Love is an experience that we recognize inside ourselves. It melts away fear, self-consciousness, and any sense of separateness or aloneness that we feel. It opens us to experiencing the fullness, depth and richness of life. You do not have to do anything to be worthy of love. It is the essence of who you are. You just need to allow yourself to recognize and experience it.
Everyone has their own path to this experience, which is often described as feeling "connected to God". The fact that you long for it is a good sign. The longing is the grace that starts you on the path. No one can tell you exactly how to have this experience. Loving and feeling loved unconditionally helps. Meditation and inner stillness helps. Compassion and heartfelt service helps, along with letting go of negative self-statements and negative behavior. Practice resisting the urge to push away your friends and family, and allow yourself to feel their love for you. Choose to see the best, and think the best of others and yourself. This will allow for a more positive daily experience.
Learn to listen inside to your needs, your feelings and your intuition. This will guide you on your quest. Pursue knowledge of spiritual and religious orientations that feel right to you. Let this lead you to people and churches or other spiritual organizations that feel right to you. There is no magic answer to your question. You have your own inner guide on this path. Start by practicing listening to what feels right, what "rings true" for you.
It’s hard to personalize this answer without more information from you. Feel free to write again with more information if this answer is not specific enough. God speed you on your journey!
Dear Dr. Norquist:
I am involved with a man who I know is not good for me, but I can’t seem to end the relationship. My boyfriend seems to disappear, and ignore me whenever he has something else to do. He only shows up when he wants something – like to spend the night. I feel used by him. I’ve tried to end it, and refuse to see him, but after a week or so I start worrying that no one else will find me attractive and I’ll be left all alone. I get so scared of this possibility that I call my boyfriend up and start seeing him again. I have neglected my other interests and friendships because of my preoccupation with where my boyfriend is, who he’s with, and whether or not he’ll call me. I feel great when he calls, and miserable and rejected when he doesn’t. This has been going on for three years. It makes my life miserable, but I don’t know how to get out of it. What should I do to end this?
Dr. Norquist responds:
Perhaps you are both using each other. He uses you for sex and you use him to calm your fears and insecurities. Sometimes relationships can become an addiction – something we use to "fill up on," and to avoid certain feelings. We avoid our fears and inner loneliness by attaching ourselves to someone else. Then our way of operating in life is not so much from an inner knowledge of what feels right and true, as it is from the need to do whatever we have to do to preserve our connection with the other. In this case, the other has become our "substance," that which we use to bring relief from fear, loneliness, and insecurities. This is one way in which many people disempower themselves. They disconnect from their inner sense of knowingness and truth, and live their lives off-center, from a place of fear.
Practice being with your fears as they arise, rather then following your impulse to run to the addictive behavior. Often, when we sit face-to-face with our fears, they diminish in size and we no longer have to give them power over how we run our lives. Ultimately, you need to transfer your impulse to connect with something outside yourself, to connecting with the fullness that exists inside. Meditation is a great way to begin to practice connecting with this inner source of peace and contentment. There is an AA-type group for those who are addicted to relationships that have been helpful to many people. It is called SLA (sex-love addicts). Call the Addiction Hotline or Self-Help Clearinghouse listed on the first page of your local phonebook for a list of SLA meetings in your area.
(Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.)
Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, 51 Newark St., Suite 202, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding and treating physical symptoms and health-related concerns. Practitioners of the following techniques are available to answer your questions: psychology, acupuncture, therapeutic and neuromuscular massage, yoga, meditation, spiritual & transpersonal psychology, Reiki, Cranial Sacral Therapy, and Alexander Technique Ó 2001 Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center