Plain stupid
Browsing through a bookstore one recent afternoon, I could not believe the vast number of volumes purely devoted to the branches of homo sapiens known as idiots and dummies. Yes, the same people who wear sunglasses at night, buy microwaves to make popcorn, and consider the clapper hours of fun now have easy access to a multitude of intellectual subjects.
Granted, I was well aware that these people existed, and even that they inhabited the part of the population referred to as the majority. But it seems to me very unlikely that any of these people are interested in subjects such as chemistry, calculus, and world history when it is virtually impossible to have a conversation with them that doesn’t eventually discuss the upcoming hardships of Stone Cold Steve Austin. Even more unlikely is that a publishing house could produce a text that would teach these people anything when I’ve often found that they have a hard time understanding the concept of making a right on red.
In the thicket of these books, I discovered GRE For Dummies, a title that I found completely baffling. If you’re a dummy, should you really be applying to graduate school? Not that I have any experience in the publishing industry, but it seems to me that this publisher needs to re-examine its target audience. Forget about the GRE For Dummies. Publish something that these people need – like GED For Dummies.
So, I wrote a letter to the publisher about its misdirection and ill-conceived series. True, I need a life. Regardless of that fact, I did receive a letter back from the publishing house that I found quite encouraging.
Dear Prescott,
Thank you for your insight into the cerebrally-deprived marketplace. As it turns out, our own marketing department discovered the error of its ways last year. As a result, a new series of books will be coming out any day now that meets the needs of a burgeoning idiotic public. I enclosed some examples for your review.
Upcoming Books For Idiots and Dummies:
Fire Is Hot For Dummies: To touch or not to touch? This easy-to-follow, picture-laden tome provides a basic understanding why sticking your arm into a flame generally causes skin damage. Learning about the incendiary properties of a conflagration has never been easier. There’s no need for anyone to get bogged down with theories of thermodynamics anymore. This 330-page book takes the reader from the Paleolithic practice of moving away from the fire right up to the modern method of stop, drop and roll.
Drawing Turkeys With Your Hand For Idiots: From Da Vinci to Picasso, all great artists began learning their craft by converting five fingers and a palm into a tasty fowl. Now you too can create wonderful decorations for your mother’s refrigerator with this step-by-step instructional guide. Man may or may not have been created in God’s image, but there’s no doubt whatsoever that his hand was created in a turkey’s.
Don’t Press All The Buttons In The Elevator For Dummies: Idiots and dummies should line up at their local bookstore now for this long-awaited manual on using an elevator. Drawing from years of personal experience with elevators, the author, Otis Jones, clearly communicates "You may want to press all the buttons, but don’t do that." When you pick up this quick-read, you can say goodbye to the days of making hard-working people in a rush wait 20 minutes to get from the lobby to their office.
I hope these new additions to our series satisfy the needs of the stupid. We also plan to begin a new series of books for people that do not quite have the intellectual aptitude of an idiot or a dummy. At the beginning of next year, we will launch the first one in this series with That’s You In The Mirror For Stupid Moronic Imbeciles.
Sincerely,
Simon Eize, Senior Editor
IDG Publishers Worldwide – Prescott Tolk