Dear Dr. Norquist:
How do you know if a man is really fond of you, or is just around for available sexual favors? I’m middle-aged and do not have much experience along these lines, whereas he does. It’s a mutual accommodating relationship, but I’m falling for him and don’t want to get hurt.
How can I tell if he really cares? Thank you.
Dr. Norquist responds:
It sounds like this relationship has not followed a natural pattern of attraction to deep caring, to trust, to sexual intimacy. You seem to have skipped over the deep caring (or "fondness") and trust stages. There is a reason for these stages, as you are now discovering. Genuine sexual intimacy, especially for women, requires trusting that your partner really cares, and that it is safe to be close and open with him. There is a strong bond that is created through sexual closeness that can leave you feeling vulnerable if you do not trust that your partner really cares.
In this culture, it is easy to grow up believing that sexual favors will buy love. But then you are left wondering (as in your case) if your partner really cares about you, or if his love is dependent on the sexual favors you offer. You deserve to be with someone whose love is not based on what you do for him, but instead, based on his ability to see, understand and love you for who you are. The first requirement for this is that you yourself feel loveable, and therefore worthy of unconditional love.
There are many ways to sense another’s love or fondness for you. Does he consider your needs? Is he happy just seeing you happy? Does it hurt him when you are hurt? Is he interested in really knowing and understanding who you are, what interests you, and how you feel? How much does he offer to share himself and his life with you? Do his eyes light up when he sees you? Does he treat you with respect? How important is your happiness to him? These are just a few examples of how his fondness and love could manifest. For this relationship to feel safe to you, you are going to have to try to reclaim the two stages that you’ve missed. Please write again if this answer doesn’t fit your needs.
Dear Dr. Norquist:
Since our son’s birth, my wife has had almost no interest in sex. She works hard at her job and then comes home, changes into her grubbiest sweats, eats dinner, and watches TV or reads until bedtime and then she only wants to sleep not to cuddle or anything else. Our son’s birth was difficult, but otherwise I am not able to figure out her new attitude. Before giving birth, she very much enjoyed making love, but since then, we have rarely made love. She now says sex is messy, painful, and totally optional and she refuses to talk about it. What should I do?
Dr. Norquist responds:
If she is not willing to talk with you about this, we can only guess at what may be behind her loss of libido. Getting pregnant and giving birth is an incredibly intense, totally life-changing event. Since having sex can lead to pregnancy again, she may be reluctant to feel any sexual desire for fear of getting pregnant again so soon. Another possibility is that it is hard for her to integrate her new identity as a mother with her sense of herself as a sexual being. Alternatively, she may be depressed, or physically drained, she may be angry at you for something, or she may be having trouble adjusting to life after having a child.
Ask yourself if there is anything you could do to help her to be more able to talk about her feelings. Is she afraid of your reaction? Is she certain she would be heard, and her feelings acknowledged and respected? If you disagree with her feelings and needs, are you still able to approach your differences in a respectful manner? She may need to feel your love for her right now through your words, behavior, and respect. Help her to feel that you are there for her. Hopefully this will help her to talk about her feelings.
(Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.)
Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, 51 Newark St., Suite 202, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding and treating physical symptoms and health-related concerns. Practitioners of the following techniques are available to answer your questions: psychology, acupuncture, therapeutic and neuromuscular massage, yoga, meditation, spiritual & transpersonal psychology, Reiki, Cranial Sacral Therapy, and Alexander Technique Ó 2001 Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center