Dear Dr. Norquist:
I am very disappointed in and angry at my son. He is a 9th grader, and I recently discovered that he is going to get a C in math. If he had been doing his homework and this were the best he could do, I would be happy with his C. However, this C is due to his negligence. Apparently, he did not do the work he was supposed to do. Instead, he was on the phone, on the computer, and watching TV (all at the same time). It’s his lack of responsibility that really bothers me, and also the fact that he won’t admit that he made a mistake. I don’t know how to best deal with this. He’s kind of old for me to be checking his homework.
Dr. Norquist responds:
What I hear you saying is that you are upset about his behavior on a moral level rather than an academic level. What bothers you most is his irresponsible approach to his work. This goes against your inner morals, your inner commitment to "doing the right thing." In addition, he shows no remorse for not having done the right thing, and this further angers you.
With regard to his lack of demonstrated remorse, let me share with you an emotional difference between males and females that is not intuitively obvious to us females: boys feel shame and humiliation for anything they do wrong. It’s not that they don’t recognize their wrong behavior. It’s that these feelings of shame and humiliation go to the heart of their feelings of masculinity, so the stakes are very high. This would be especially true for a 15-year-old boy, who developmentally is in the midst of constantly proving his masculinity to himself as well as his peers. I would guess that he does feel remorse for his behavior, it’s just that he cannot show it. Kids do want to please their parents, and can feel quite deflated when they feel they’ve disappointed their parents. It’s just that they have other, often conflicting needs to attend to, such as proving their independence. You do not want him to be stuck (developmentally) in having to live his life and make his decisions based mainly on what his parents approve of. He needs to take charge of his own life, and learn to make decisions that are right for him. For his own psychological health, he needs to develop an internal locus of control, rather than an approach to life which is based on what others think or what others will approve of.
Your son is learning to live his own life. This does not come without mistakes. The question is, does he learn from his mistakes? If he can learn from the C in math, that there are negative consequences for not doing his work, then perhaps that C in math will prove to be quite a positive thing. The point is, he has to decide what kind of a student he is going to be, and what kind of a person he will be. Ultimately this is his responsibility, not yours. You can set an example by how you approach your own life. You can also refrain from protecting him from experiencing the consequences of his behavior. Both of these parental approaches are very powerful. However, as the parent of a 15-year-old, you need to recognize that who he is as a person is becoming much more of a factor than it was when he was younger. At that time you had more influence, more of a say. Now he has an internal force, a drive, a need for self-expression that is healthy and appropriate.
Your son needs to learn to take the reins of his own life, and you need to let him do so more and more, in response to his demonstrated ability to do so. This doesn’t meant he doesn’t need limits and structure, and clear expectations – but rather, that the limits you set should be based on a recognition that your role is to guide him toward independence, and toward the further unfolding of who he innately is as a person. Let him experience how you appreciate who he is as a person, how you love and accept him for who he is. Set appropriate limits on his computer, TV and phone time, and be willing to re-evaluate these limits as he shows increasingly responsible behavior with regard to his studies. Try to find ways to enjoy this stage of parenting him, for soon he will be out of the home, and on to the next stage of his life. Parenting is such a poignant experience of having to let go of that which you love with your whole life.
(Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.)
Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, 51 Newark St., Suite 202, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding and treating physical symptoms and health-related concerns. Practitioners of the following techniques are available to answer your questions: psychology, acupuncture, therapeutic and neuromuscular massage, yoga, meditation, spiritual & transpersonal psychology, Reiki, Cranial Sacral Therapy, and Alexander Technique Ó 2001 Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center