Dear Dr. Norquist:
My sister has a history of depression, she got treatment for it and was fine until she got promoted and her work-load doubled. She is not coping well with the stress of her new responsibilities. I want to help her so badly but the problem is, she is in London and I am in South Africa. My father died four months ago so she is still grieving. I know she would be able to deal with the workload if she did not worry about her family back home, so that is not the problem. But I do feel terrible knowing that she is there alone and I can do nothing about it. Can you please recommend some things I can do or say that will help her cope? A book that she can buy or maybe relaxing bath oils or anything. If you could help me I would be very grateful.
Dr. Norquist responds:
You seem quite worried about your sister’s well-being, and that makes me wonder in what way she is "not at all copying with the stress of her new responsibilities." What has she been telling you that has you so worried? How serious are her symptoms? In particular – is she thinking of hurting herself? Are her sleep patterns disturbed? Is she over or under sleeping? How is her appetite? Has her intake of food decreased or increased dramatically? How is the nutritional value of her food? Does she have days when she cannot get herself to go to work? How is her ability to concentrate? Has she isolated herself from friends, or stopped engaging in her usual activities? Is she without a supportive network of friends? What does it feel like everyday to be living inside her shoes?
If the answer is yes to the majority of these questions, then she is likely in a major depression, and she needs to seek professional help (psychotherapy and probably medication as well). If she is thinking of hurting herself she needs to assessed by a professional (either in an emergency room or a psychologist or psychiatrist in private practice), for the degree to which she is in danger of hurting herself.
If your sister’s level of depression is mild to moderate, what she needs most is love, meaningful connections with others, support, understanding, and a creative outlet. She could also benefit from an understanding of the subconscious thoughts and beliefs she carries that make her vulnerable to depression and how to change these patterns. A good therapist could help her with this. See Aaron Beck, Ph.D. for some classic books on this subject. Lavender oil in the bath water has an uplifting effect (be sure to use high quality oil). She might also benefit from some of the Bach Flower Remedies. Any store that sells the remedies (which are produced near London) will have a copy of a questionnaire she can fill out to determine which remedies are best for her – perhaps star of Bethlehem and mustard (for loss and depression), and Elm (for feeling overwhelmed at work). Be there for her with phone calls, e-mails, loving support, and care packages. Hold your sister in your heart, send her your love, and know that loving thoughts always find their mark, and they do make a difference (for research on this, see books by Larry Dossey, M.D.). Your sister is fortunate to have you in her life.
Dear Dr. Norquist:
It seems I can never be happy with myself. I never feel pretty enough, or perfect enough in my looks. I go to the gym almost everyday, but still my body is not how I think it should be. I try not to obsess about it, but I do. I’m afraid to get intimate with men I meet, because they might see the places where my body isn’t perfect. I know this is stupid, but it’s how I feel. How do I get out of this rut?
Dr. Norquist responds:
You are so much greater then your physical body. Do not diminish yourself in this way. No matter how perfectly your physical body fits your mental image of perfection, it will ultimately let you down. Ultimately, as you know, it is helpless against the forces of nature, and the aging process. Do not make the body your God, or you will set yourself up for a life of misery. Happiness found through the body is short-lived.
What are you really looking for here? Is it happiness? Is it to feel loveable, and to feel loved? There are many who have bodies others would die for who still are not happy and do not feel loved. A perfect body is not the answer to happiness or loveableness. I know you probably know this intellectually, but your thoughts and behaviors speak otherwise. If your goal is happiness, you need to change the road you are on. You are speeding down a path that does not lead to your goal.
Happiness and loveableness are not related to being "perfect" in the usual meaning of this word. Many are raised thinking these two concepts are correlated – but nothing could be further from the truth. Think about those in your life who you genuinely love. Do you love them for their "perfectness"? Think of those that you know who are always perfect – in their looks, dress, actions, mannerisms, etc. Does their "perfectness" engender feelings of love in you? Are you attracted to them because of their perfectness? Chances are it’s harder to feel love towards those who need to be perfect, because you can’t get a glimpse of the genuine person. There’s too much gloss in the way. We love others (and ourselves) for our humanness. We are attracted to others for qualities such as their genuineness, their frailties, their openness, the light they carry, the adversities they struggle with, their virtues, and their ability to love.
Try to consciously work on changing your focus. Remind yourself you are loveable as you are. The more you recognize this, the more others will reflect this back to you. Focus instead on giving, loving, appreciating, feeling gratitude, and seeing beauty around you, for these activities bring joy to your heart. They allow you to feel love within your own heart. This allows you to experience your own loveableness, and the happiness that you are seeking.
(Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.)
Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, 51 Newark St., Suite 202, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding and treating physical symptoms and health-related concerns. Practitioners of the following techniques are available to answer your questions: psychology, acupuncture, therapeutic and neuromuscular massage, yoga, meditation, spiritual & transpersonal psychology, Reiki, Cranial Sacral Therapy, and Alexander Technique Ó 2001 Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center