Dear Dr. Norquist:
My husband has been laid off for some time now. He is computer-crazed and wants to know everything about them and how they work. He’s going to go to school for an intense course on computer repair. I’m proud of him.
Here’s my concern: He spends at least five days a week, from morning to night on the computer. I feel it’s not right and I miss him. He says "oh honey you know you’re the most important person in my life, and if you need me I’ll stop." Well I’ve never asked for any man’s attention, I feel if he wants to spend time with me, he will.
We were just recently married, and I remember telling him before the marriage I couldn’t live with him on the computer all the time. After we were married, weeks of bliss followed. Unfortunately, it was short-lived and I need to know if I’m being selfish in asking him to stay off the computer?
I feel so alone sometimes and cry a lot over this. I get so angry that I would love to take a sledgehammer to this computer. I attend college, and have a 13-year-old son. When I come home, it would be nice to feel special. Don’t get me wrong – when it’s convenient for him he tells me I’m special and spends time with me. I love him with all my heart! Any advice would be much appreciated.
Dr. Norquist responds:
Your husband’s zealousness about the computer may be his way of dealing with being laid off. It provides him with a sense of competence, possible job opportunities, something "useful" to do with his time, and perhaps something to buoy his self-esteem during this time period when he is lacking in a solid working provider identify in the family. It may also have become a way of avoiding being aware of his feelings, and his other responsibilities in life.
Quite understandably, you are feeling emotionally abandoned, and are angry about it. He needs to know how much you miss him, how much you love him and desire to spend time with him, and that his lack of a job doesn’t affect your desire for or need for time with him. See if you can plan set times to be together, or set activities to do together. His unemployment may be affecting both of you in these not so obvious ways.
Dear Dr. Norquist:
I am attracted to someone I work with. We are both only 19. He always comes and talks to me. Every time we see each other we both get these huge grins. I’ve been thinking about him a lot lately. I really like him. But I’m scared to say anything. I only see him at work on the weekends because I am away at school during the week. What should I do?
Dr. Norquist responds:
Isn’t it fun to find someone you are attracted to? It makes life feel more alive, more exciting. If you re-define your fear as excitement, it becomes much more palatable. Physiologically, the response is similar (for fear and for excitement) – a faster heartbeat, a change in breathing patterns, perhaps butterflies in the stomach, feeling hot or sweaty, and not being able to think clearly. If you consciously choose to label these physiological responses as excitement, rather than fear, you are left feeling more empowered, and more able to take the actions you choose.
In a fearful state, we experience a diminished sense of identity, whereas when we are excited, our sense of identity is more expansive. Practice seeing yourself talking with him, feeling excited, and having fun. From this state, what would you like to say or do to encourage this potential relationship? Remember always your innate unconditional lovableness and acceptableness, and you will not feel as vulnerable to his response to you. These feelings of excitement/fear can be an opportunity to play and enjoy life!
(Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.)
Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, 51 Newark St., Suite 202, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding and treating physical symptoms and health-related concerns. Practitioners of the following techniques are available to answer your questions: psychology, acupuncture, therapeutic and neuromuscular massage, yoga, meditation, spiritual & transpersonal psychology, Reiki, Cranial Sacral Therapy, and Alexander Technique Ó 2001 Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center
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