Columnist
Dear Dr. Norquist:
My life feels dry. I do not know how to make it different. I’ve spent most of my life raising my kids, driving them here and there, and going to many baseball games to cheer them on. As of September, they are both in college, and my life is feeling rather empty. My husband and I get along fine – it’s just that there’s a lot of quiet now and not half as much to do. I guess I’m not sure how to bring some life back into my days. Got any suggestions?
Dr. Norquist responds:
It takes a while to adjust to such a major change. It sounds like the very structure of your life, and the main source for your heart’s nourishment has vanished with the loss of daily contact with your kids. This has left you feeling empty – like your life is "dry". Really what you are expressing, I believe, is how life feels when our hearts are not being nourished through the giving and receiving of love. It is your heart that is dry. What you need is a new way to pour your heart into your daily life.
Spend some time reviewing your life for those things that have mattered to you; insights, experiences, loving comments, deep emotional touchings, and exciting ideas. Ask yourself how you can bring more of these experiences into your life.
It is easy to pass through life spending our time on things of lesser value. Seek out and create those things that are most memorable, most helpful, and that bring you the greatest upliftment. These are the things that nourish your heart. Often this nourishment is born not so much of particular activities per se, as it is in the way you approach the activity, relationship or event. It takes courage to express your feelings to another in an openhearted manner. It takes courage to go for what has always interested you and to share who you really are with others. It takes courage and intention to reach out to others and to create a good time, or to involve yourself in a new experience or learning situation. This is the opportunity you have before you now. You need to find new ways to grow, new ways of enriching your life, and new sources for your hearts’ nourishment.
Dear Dr. Norquist:
I’ve been in a relationship with the man of my dreams for the past two years. I recently found out that I am infected with the AIDS virus. He has been tested negative for HIV several times. Since finding out that I’m HIV positive, I have had absolutely no desire to have sex. Because I have no desire to have sex with him or anyone else, I’ve wanted him to find another woman for a sexual relationship. I am very afraid of losing him to this other woman because he is not the kind of guy who can have sex with a woman without caring for her. But I feel I have to do something, I want to do something for him. He is totally against the idea of finding another woman. He says he’ll wait until I feel like having sex again, however long that may be. I just feel that I’m being very unfair to him by not being able to fulfill his sexual needs. Could I be ruining a great thing with a wonderful guy?
Dr. Norquist responds:
Perhaps you are failing to recognize his love and caring for you. He is not interested in sex with someone else because the important factor in his love- making with you is you – and that can’t be replaced. Perhaps the two of you could find other ways to express your love for each other – physically, and through thoughtful actions, open-heartedness, and understanding. There are an unlimited number of ways to express love. It could be a wonderful adventure together if you both put your minds and hearts to developing new ways to express your love to each other.
He is not interested in having sex with someone else. Respect this. Why push something on him that neither of you are comfortable with, just to assuage your unnecessary guilt? Enjoy this relationship with the man of your dreams. Love him and accept his love. It is said that what matters in the end is the love you were able to give and the love you were able to feel. Try to evaluate your life in this context and use this understanding to guide your actions each day. All the best to you.
(Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.)
Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, 51 Newark St., Suite 202, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding and treating physical symptoms and health-related concerns. Practitioners of the following techniques are available to answer your questions: psychology, acupuncture, therapeutic and neuromuscular massage, yoga, meditation, spiritual & transpersonal psychology, Reiki, Cranial Sacral Therapy, and Alexander Technique Ó 2001 Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center