Dear Dr. Norquist:
I have been on a diet for a year and half now. It is Doctor-supervised (Optifast). I go to a hospital. I have done very well. I was 418 when I started and got down to 296 in about 11 months. Now I have gained back 35 pounds. I need help in staying on this diet. I work in a hospital on the night shift as a sergeant in the security dept. I am tired all the time. People I work with order food all the time. I really never bothered me before when I was on the diet but now it is. I try to stay on it but seem to break away after a few days. My diet consists of shakes, diet jello, and low sodium soup. That is all. I do have some veggies and salad once in awhile but I shouldn’t even have that. I know I did good when I first went on it but I need some advice in getting back into the flow of things. I see many over weight people in the hospital and see what is happening to them and that in itself should push me forward but it doesn’t. I’ve spent thousands on this diet so far. I am screwing it up big time.
I really want to work days now. I have been on nights for 17 years and it is taking its toll on me I think. There is really nothing available for me on days here at the hospital. I am a sergeant on nights and there already is a sergeant on days, so I would have to lower myself and be a guard if I want to get on the day shift. My question to you is what is a good motivation to get me back on this diet and to do good once again.
Dr. Norquist responds:
A balanced approach to life has great benefits. It allows us to utilize more of our resources (emotional, physical and cognitive) in any situation we encounter and any goal that we set in life. Think of it this way: any pendulum, when it is set in motion, swings just as far to the right as it does to the left. I often see this principle evidenced in dieting. It appears that the more extreme the deprivation of the enjoyment of eating the more likely it is that the dieter will eventually swing to the other side (over-eating the foods s/he feels deprived of) as the pendulum tries to move back toward a state of balance. Your diet sounds very depriving. I’m not surprised that you are having a back-swing, so to speak. Perhaps a more balanced, long-term approach to dieting will serve you better in the long run.
You say you are tired all the time. Were you tired all the time in the past when you were working night shift, but you were not on a diet? Are you providing your body and spirit with enough rest? It could be that you are eating more because you crave the energy that the calories provide. Talk with your doctor about your constant tiredness to make sure it is not from a lack of certain nutrients.
It could also be that you are depressed or bored with your life and food is a way of giving yourself some solace. Losing weight will not automatically bring happiness. You may have already discovered that as a result of the 100 lbs. or so that you’ve already lost. Perhaps you discovered that the weight loss didn’t bring the changes (internal as well as external) that you expected, and that may have also contributed to your loss of motivation.
You need to re-discover that "spark" in life. If you are not happy with your work, you are responsible to yourself to do something about it. What have you always wanted to do? See if you can make of your time on Earth an occasion for playing, and for loving all of life. This will help you to get more of your needs met in ways other then eating. I hope this helps.
Dear Dr. Norquist:
I am now engaged to a man that I met a several months ago. We have been engaged for two months and are planning a wedding this June. At the beginning of our relationship he was very sweet. He was so generous and kind that he made me feel very special. He told me that he was very lucky to have me. I have been divorced since 1995 and have become very independent. I did what I wanted to do and answered to no one. Since we have been engaged, however, he tries to run my life. He gets angry and yells at me like I am a child when I do something that he doesn’t like. On the other hand, he is still the same loving man that I met and fell in love with. He continues to tell me that he loves me and can’t live without me. I still love him very much and do not want to lose him. He used to listen to my point of view when he became too demanding and angry, but now he threatens to call the wedding off when I object to his demands. He doesn’t physically abuse me, but I do not like angry threats. I can’t deal with his sometimes loving, sometimes angry personality. I don’t know what to think anymore. Thank you in advance for any advice you can give me.
Dr. Norquist responds:
Love needs the proper environment in order to flourish. The environment that nourishes love must be created by both of you. Love blossoms most fully when we feel accepted for who we are, and when we are treated with kindness and respect. Your love will not blossom in an environment where you are criticized, controlled, and threatened. It is unlikely to survive long under these conditions. If it feels this way several months after meeting your fiancé, how might it be if you marry him? There are a lot of red flags here. Do not let his anger or your need for his "love" entice you, and allow you to ignore the whole picture here. Do not let your spirit be dampened. This situation will likely deteriorate until you recognize that you deserve to be treated with love and respect. When this is the case, you will not allow yourself to stay in a situation that is not built on love and respect.
(Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.)
Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, 51 Newark St., Suite 202, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding and treating physical symptoms and health-related concerns. Practitioners of the following techniques are available to answer your questions: psychology, acupuncture, therapeutic and neuromuscular massage, yoga, meditation, spiritual & transpersonal psychology, Reiki, Cranial Sacral Therapy, and Alexander Technique Ó 2001 Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center