Dear Dr. Norquist:
My wife and I have two kids that we love very much. Our oldest son is two and is extremely attached to me. Bedtimes have become a nightmare. When he wakes up in his own bed he screams until I bring him in with us. My wife, to get the rest she needs, will usually sleep on the couch and leaves me to care for him. She is facing extra responsibility at work and we are either too tired or busy to discuss what is happening to us as a couple. Although we want to do the best for our children, my wife and I are growing apart. We were two people so in love but now we are becoming strangers. Can you suggest how we can get back what we seem to have lost?
Dr. Norquist responds:
Love has to be nurtured and watched over for it to thrive. Just as flowers need water and sunshine to blossom, kindness, respect, honest communication, and a place of priority in our lives sustain thriving relationships. This takes an extra effort when the stress and the demands from our everyday responsibilities are so overwhelming and draining.
With regard to your 2-year-old, if screaming gets him a place in mommy and daddy’s bed, then that is what he will continue to do. I’d suggest that you and your wife look at which of his behaviors you are supporting, and decide if this is what you want. It is human nature to stick with the behaviors that get us the immediate rewards that we want, even if some of the consequences are negative. Be aware that when you first try to stop reinforcing certain behaviors, they will become worse before they improve. Absolute consistency in your behavior is the key here.
You and your wife need to find a way to reconnect. When you can do this, your relationship can be a vehicle for replenishing your resources. You must make it a priority to create a means for reconnecting with each other. This can be done in many ways – through phone calls during the day, planned dinners out for the two of you, cards, hugs, verbal expressions of caring, reaching out to do something thoughtful, a short evening or morning ritual you develop to start or end your day together. Praying together can be a wonderful means of re-aligning with each other – especially if it is a special prayer created by the two of you. Start by taking time out to discuss your feelings with your wife. A mutual decision to give more to each other and the relationship will jump-start this process of reconnecting.
Dear Dr. Norquist:
A good friend of mine directed me to your web site. I was wondering if you could point me in the right direction so that I may find a name for what I am experiencing (if one exists).
My son is 17 months old, and for the last 9 months or so I have been having very graphic violent "thoughts," for lack of a better word, about my son and loved ones (but mostly about my son). An example of this would be my son playing in our living room and me peeking in to see what he’s up to. I would then glance up at the large ceiling fan and vividly see it falling on him crushing him. This "thought" is very graphic, blood and all. This type of thing can happen 10 times a day and is quite disturbing to me. I remember seeing a show on TV about a woman who had graphic thoughts about hurting her own kid and there was even a medical term for this. I feel what I am going through is similar except I am not the one doing the harming.
This is really bothering me and I feel like I am losing my mind at times.
Any insight you could give would be much appreciated. Thank you.
Dr. Norquist responds:
I’m sorry, but I do not know the medical term for what you are experiencing. Perhaps one of our readers knows, and will write in with the answer.
I can, however, offer hypotheses for you to ponder regarding the possible source of these "graphic thoughts." It is possible that your son is so precious and vital to you that you fear losing him, or fear that something terrible could happen to him. This fear may be born of feelings of vulnerability because you love him so much. This fear could also be born of past experiences of the loss of someone or something close to you. If you have already lost someone dear to you, it’s easy to believe it can happen again. This past loss could sensitize you to losses in general.
You could also have a history of experiences that you have interpreted as "I don’t deserve good things in my life," or "once something good happens, something bad always follows it." This mental construct could lead you to experience fear and anxiety when things are going well. Another possibility is that you have needs that you have not been able to attend to since the birth of your son, and you sub-consciously resent the demands and losses that come with having a child. This is a feeling that is not uncommon and is very understandable.
Without more information, it is hard to determine the true cause of your graphic thoughts. These are just some of the possibilities. I recommend that you consult with a professional to better understand the beliefs, feelings and impulses underlying these graphic thoughts. It would be very helpful for your own peace of mind. I hope this is helpful.
(Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.)
Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, 51 Newark St., Suite 202, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding and treating physical symptoms and health-related concerns. Practitioners of the following techniques are available to answer your questions: psychology, acupuncture, therapeutic and neuromuscular massage, yoga, meditation, spiritual & transpersonal psychology, Reiki, Cranial Sacral Therapy, and Alexander Technique Ó 2001 Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center