Dear Dr. Norquist:I am attracted to someone I work with. We are both only 19. He always comes and talks to me. Every time we see each other we both get these huge grins. I’ve been thinking about him a lot lately. I really like him. But I’m scared to say anything. I only see him at work on the weekends because I am away at school during the week. What should I do?
Dr. Norquist responds:
Isn’t it fun to find someone you are attracted to? It makes life feel more alive, more exciting. If you re-define your fear as excitement, it becomes much more palatable. Physiologically, the response is similar (for fear and for excitement) – a faster heartbeat, a change in breathing patterns, perhaps butterflies in the stomach, feeling hot or sweaty, and not being able to think clearly. If you consciously choose to label these physiological responses as excitement, rather than fear, you are left feeling more empowered, and more able to take the actions you choose. In a fearful state, we experience a diminished sense of identity, whereas when we are excited, our sense of identity is more expansive. Practice seeing yourself talking with him, feeling excited, and having fun. From this state, what would you like to say or do to encourage this potential relationship? Remember always your innate unconditional lovableness and acceptableness, and you will not feel as vulnerable to his response to you. These feelings of excitement/fear can be an opportunity to play and enjoy life!
Dear Dr. Norquist:
I have a co-worker who really gets to me. She is very caddy, always talking to the others in our work section in a way that excludes me. I can’t think of anything I’ve done to be treated like this. Yesterday, she planned an after work get together at a bar near our office, and invited most of the workers in my area. She knew I was aware of the get-together, yet she didn’t come over and invite me. I used to feel really hurt and left out. Now I just feel angry. I stew about this after work and even wake up thinking about it. Why would someone be so mean? It’s making me miserable at work and even after work. My boyfriend is getting tired of hearing about it. What do you think I should do about this situation? I don’t understand why she is being this way.
Dr. Norquist responds:
We can only surmise why your co-worker is acting this way. Perhaps she is feeling jealous or competitive. Perhaps she felt slighted by you in some way that you were unaware of. Perhaps this is a way for her to feel secure in her work environment – or maybe she thinks you are not interested in being a part of the group. We will never know the answer, unless she chooses to tell us. What matters here is not what she’s doing and why, so much as how you are perceiving and reacting to this situation – what you are creating with it.
Generally, others take their cue on how to treat someone based on signals that person is unknowingly sending out. For example, someone who is unsure of their loveablemess or their acceptableness will often hold themselves apart from the group, in obvious or not so obvious ways. Others sense how we feel about ourselves and then treat us accordingly. So, what you can do here is take an honest look at yourself and make sure your co-worker environment is not just mirroring back to you your own self-doubts and insecurities.
Love is the healer here. It can be applied in two ways; either by practicing loving and accepting yourself as you are, or by focusing outside yourself, on treating others with love and respect. If you love and accept yourself as you are, you will be so secure inwardly that you cannot be thrown into a hurtful or angry place by how someone treats you. It’s hard to resist someone who genuinely feels loveable and loving. This requires that you find a higher, more expansive place from which to understand the question "what makes a person loveable?"
Often it is easier for someone to apply love in the second way, through focusing on loving others, rather then on loving themselves. Have you ever noticed that focusing on yourself and your own needs, desires, hurts and dissatisfactions leads to a place of inner discontent? On the other hand, focusing on the needs of those around you leads to an inner state that is full and energized and happy? Giving to others is powerful medicine that up-lifts the giver.
Find your inner courage, and practice treating yourself and others with love, regardless of how others are treating you. The best thing to do here is to use this situation as a tool to encourage you to grow in your capacity to love.
(Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.)
Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, 51 Newark St., Suite 205, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding and treating physical symptoms and health-related concerns. Practitioners of the following techniques are available to answer your questions: psychology, acupuncture, therapeutic and neuromuscular massage, yoga, meditation, spiritual & transpersonal psychology, reflexology, Reiki, Cranial Sacral Therapy, and Alexander Technique Ó 2001 Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center