Dear Dr. Norquist:
Do you have any suggestions about how to approach the New Year? Usually I just go out with friends and have a good time partying and I don’t think much about what it all means – beyond the night of partying. This year I’m looking for something more meaningful. I mean, there has to be something more to life then watching the years go by, marked by the change-over to the New Year. I’m not ever sure what the partying is for. What could I do to make the New Year more meaningful to me throughout the year?
Dr. Norquist responds:
Something inside you is pushing you to look deeper. Sooner or later, all of us search for an answer to the question "What gives life meaning?" It is good that you feel these inner stirrings.
In the aftermath of his imprisonment in a Nazi concentration camp, Viktor E. Frankl wrote an inspirational book on this subject that I highly recommend entitled "Man’s Search for Meaning." In an effort to still these inner stirrings, people have turned to religion, spirituality, nature, relationships and creativity. There is a multitude of paths for finding meaning in our lives, but we each have to find out what works for us. This is an adventure we each need to take. No one else can do it for us. American Indians developed a ritual for this task called the Vision Quest (see books by Tom Brown Jr.). To answer this question, you have to turn inside and ask yourself. Only you know what rings true for you. You have your own unique dream to unfold. You discover it by listening to what excites you, what has always interested you, what you fantasize about, what you prefer to do with your free time. Ponder this: If you had all the money you needed, and work was not a requirement, what would you do with your life?
Make a resolution this year to discover your dream. Your dream could be something very tangible, like to open a store, or raise a family, or something much less tangible, such as to live your life according to certain principles or values. It may be quite simple or quite complex with multiple goals or layers. Whatever it is, set the goal of making your life your dream. Set in place ways of keeping this dream alive in your life, continuing to create it, despite the demands and urgencies of everyday life tasks and crises. Take steps every day to create your dream. Make your dream the standard you measure your life by. Take this inner need for a sense of meaning in your life seriously. Your life will feel richer and more fulfilling then you’d ever dreamed possible (how’s that for a New Year’s resolution?).
Dear Dr. Norquist:
I need your advice. I am deeply involved in a committed relationship that I was hopeful could go further onto marriage. We have major disagreements over our money style. My partner’s style is drastically different than mine. What if one person does not agree to the other person "being in charge" of how the money is spent? How do other people handle money? What kind of compromises do they make?
Dr. Norquist responds:
As you probably know, one of the main stresses behind divorces is the issue of finances. This is certainly an area to be clear about with each other before progressing to marriage. As in all situations, it is most important that you acknowledge and respect each other’s differences in this area. Any agreement you come to has to feel right to both of you. This is a partnership. If one person doesn’t agree to the other being in charge of how the money is spent, then this is not a workable solution for either of you. There is no one right way to handle finances in a marriage. Some people put everything into one pot, and decide together how it should be spent. Others contribute to an agreed amount of their income to a joint pot of money that is used for mutual financial obligations. Either way it can be arranged for each partner to have a certain amount of their own spending money for the month. Be creative. You can use these differences to strengthen your relationship: to build communication skills, problem solving, trust and ultimately, the depth of your intimacy.
(Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.)
Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, 51 Newark St., Suite 205, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding and treating physical symptoms and health-related concerns. Practitioners of the following techniques are available to answer your questions: psychology, acupuncture, therapeutic and neuromuscular massage, yoga, meditation, spiritual & transpersonal psychology, reflexology, Reiki, Cranial Sacral Therapy, and Alexander Technique Ó 2000 Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center