(Dr. Norquist is on vacation this week. We are re-running letters that were published earlier in this column.)
Dear Dr. Norquist:
I’m having problems dealing with my anger. Basically, I feel happy most of the time but I get angry easily over very trivial things, like my husband getting home 10 minutes late. I usually forget about the issue after I rant and rave for about five minutes.
I’m not sure if it is hormonal or if I am just a lunatic. All I know is that I’m driving my poor husband crazy as well as myself. He is loving and extremely helpful with the baby (takes turns changing and waking up for the baby since she was born). It makes me feel horrible when I behave this way because it makes him feel as if nothing he does is good enough. He is probably one of the best husbands ever – especially for being so patient with me.
When I get angry, it’s as if my blood is boiling and I just can’t let it go! Why can’t I control myself? I never get angry at my baby – for her I have an abundance of patience. My baby is nearly five months old now. Besides my fits, my husband and I have been so happy since she was born. Do I have post-partum depression?
Dr. Norquist responds:
I am assuming from your letter that this excess anger is a new behavior for you and is not one of your past tendencies.
It is possible that your system has not yet come back into balance since the hormonal and other tremendous physiological changes during pregnancy. You may want to check with your physician for his or her advice. In addition, acupuncture, subtle energy healing and Jin Shin Do can all be helpful in restoring balance and harmony in your system – emotionally as well as physically.
If the excess anger is not from a physiological or energetic imbalance, try paying attention to your subconscious thoughts and feelings for cues. Babies are extremely demanding, and their constant demands can feel overwhelming and emotionally as well as physically draining. It’s hard to keep giving when the well is dry. This situation can lead to subconscious resentments that may be directed toward your partner. This is especially difficult for women who never received the emotional nourishment they needed when they were children because they tend not to have as deep of a well to draw from. This well, or emotional reservoir, is also shallow if you are not receiving enough support in your relationship, your friendships, your attitudes towards yourself, your weekly routines, and your sleeping and eating patterns.
Your husband has recently moved into the role of father, both in actuality, and in your mental image of and definition of him. How did you feel about your own father? Another possibility is that you are subconscious expecting your husband to act as your father did, and because of this, are not seeing him clearly. Hopefully this information is helpful.
Dear Dr. Norquist:
I seem to be unable to have a relationship that lasts. I think that I may not have enough love inside me. I’ve never been married or been in a long-term partnership like that. I’m not sure I know what partnership is about and I think this is my problem. Will I ever find a life-partner, and a relationship built on mutual trust? Thank you.
Dr. Norquist responds:
Sometimes, as a result of various earlier life experiences, we close off from others, by emotionally closing down our hearts. In doing this, we close down any genuine sense of connection with others, and also close off any heartfelt connection with ourselves. Without heart, life loses its joy, its freshness, and its taste. It becomes bland. We feel like islands onto ourselves – unlovable, separate, unfulfilled and empty. Miserable in this state, we search for a partner to “fix” it – to bring us lasting happiness. We don’t realize that the love we are searching for has to first be experienced inside ourselves. Strange as it may sound, the love you want doesn’t exist in the other, but inside yourself. Even if someone else loves you immensely, you will not automatically experience that love. You must learn to recognize, and connect with the experience of love inside yourself, and start to re-open your heart. We’ve learned and accepted false beliefs about our loveableness. We believe that we are lovable only if we meet this or that condition. With these beliefs firmly in place we live our lives, emotionally starved on the inside, trying to feed our emotional hunger through attachments to short-lived pleasures in the outer world (drugs and alcohol, material goods, prestige, etc.) that leave us perpetually searching for more.
The more you can recognize and accept your innate unconditional loveableness, the more you will attract potential partners. You will also be able to be less fearful of, and more available for, a relationship. When you are connected with an inner experience of self-acceptance and self-love, it’s amazingly easy to enjoy, accept and love others. It is a natural consequence. From this state, life is full and rich, and can be savored.
Start by changing your false beliefs. We are all lovable. We do not have to do or be anything to deserve this love. It is innate. Remember times when you have experienced your loveableness, and follow this spark of joy inside to connect with your own inner fountain of love. Practice recognizing subconscious silent self-talk you engage in that is critical, or judgmental. Learn to let these thoughts go and replace them with reminders of your loveableness. It is through loving yourself that you will open the door for finding the life partnership that you desire.
(Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.)
Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, 51 Newark St., Suite 205, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding and treating physical symptoms and health-related concerns. Practitioners of the following techniques are available to answer your questions: psychology, acupuncture, therapeutic and neuromuscular massage, yoga, meditation, spiritual & transpersonal psychology, reflexology, Reiki, Cranial Sacral Therapy, and Alexander Technique © 2000 Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center