Dear Dr. Norquist:
I am 41 years old and married with two children who are grown and out of the house. I’ve been having an affair with a wonderful man for nearly four years. He is also in his 40s, and is handsome, intelligent, and divorced with two children. We’ve gotten extremely close over the last year and I’ve actually considered leaving my husband to be with this man all the time. I am a busy executive in a large company and this man works directly for me.
I think that I would make him very happy. And, I have made him happy. He’s made me happy as well, when we’ve been together. The problem is, I don’t think that he loves me "enough." I seem to always have to teach him how to resolve our differences. For example, I have to be the first to say, "I’m sorry." It’s a burden to have to continually teach him about relationships and communication.
I’ve decided to get off of this emotional roller coaster of guilt and anguish and work at putting my marriage back together. I’ve also decided to stop this relationship because I don’t trust that he’s 100 percent honest. I know that sounds foolish coming from someone who is having an affair. Nevertheless, in this relationship, I’ve been the one who has been very open, and vulnerable. Isn’t this a classic female problem?
I have two questions that keep coming back to me over and over. Why does my head tell me one thing and my heart keeps pulling me back to this man? And, second, why do I think there’s something wrong with me that causes him to not be able or willing to love me "enough?"
I miss him. It’s hard to be without him. But, I think that my husband deserves better.
Dr. Norquist responds:
Ask yourself what you are searching for through this affair. Your heart may be drawn to this man because you are trying to get something you crave from him. It is possible that you are enacting earlier unresolved feelings regarding your loveableness. Could it be that the child buried within you still aches from earlier experiences of not being loved enough, and believing it was because something was wrong with her? Often we unconsciously continue to try to resolve these early hurts by putting ourselves in situations where the same feelings about ourselves and others are triggered.
You are loveable as you are. Nobody outside of you is the authority on your loveableness. You must work on discovering this truth for yourself.
Also, this man is your employee. You have power and authority over him. It is a misuse of your power for you to be engaged in a relationship with him. It is not fair to him. Neither of you is being honest. I agree with your decision to work at putting your marriage together. My suggestion is, that as a part of your efforts to do this you need to address your inner doubts regarding your loveableness.
Dear Dr. Norquist:
My child is 12 years old and is starting to dress in ways that drive me crazy, she got a baby-sitting job over the summer and used her money to buy two pairs of wide legged baggy pants. I told her she could get them under the agreement that she doesn’t wear them in public with me. Now she said she wants to dress in the grunge style and that really makes me crazy. I can’t stand for her to dress like a slob but I’m not sure how far to push my preference off on her or if I have any right to expect her to dress the way I think she should. What do you think?
Dr. Norquist responds:
Your 12-year-old is fast becoming a pre-teen. It is normal at this age for her to be oriented towards her peers, and wanting to fit in with them. Dressing according to their norm is an important part of this. As long as her style of dress is within the norm for 12-year-olds, I would suggest that you let it be. Over the next 5-6 years, you will need to gradually let go so that she can grow and establish her own separate identity. If viewed objectively, this can be a very interesting time. During this time period, you will need to be choosing your battles carefully, and letting more minor violations and disappointments go by the wayside.
(Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.)
Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, 51 Newark St., Suite 205, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding and treating physical symptoms and health-related concerns. Practitioners of the following techniques are available to answer your questions: psychology, acupuncture, therapeutic and neuromuscular massage, yoga, meditation, spiritual & transpersonal psychology, Art Therapy, reflexology, Reiki, Cranial Sacral Therapy, Alexander Technique, and Jin Shin Do. Ó 2000 Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center