Dear Dr. Norquist:
Lately, my husband and I have been fighting a lot. We have started saying mean things to each other, especially my husband. We fight over everything but usually the fights are really bad when we are having financial trouble (this has been a major problem in the marriage).
Dear Dr. Norquist:
Lately, my husband and I have been fighting a lot. We have started saying mean things to each other, especially my husband. We fight over everything but usually the fights are really bad when we are having financial trouble (this has been a major problem in the marriage). He likes to buy expensive things. He works hard and makes about $35,000, I on the other hand work hard but only make about $28,000. I also work a second job and make a $3 to $4,000 off of that. I get home each night around 10 p.m. (I leave in the morning by 7 a.m. because my job is so far away).
At night, he usually cooks dinner for us. I eat and try to do at least one thing such as laundry, dishes, or just cleaning up after dinner. I don’t always have time to do everything because I am so tired when I get home I just want to go to bed. On the weekends I am very good about doing all the household chores. However, if I ask him to help he says, "I make more than you and you need to do the ‘womanly’ chores." He is always throwing that he makes more money than I do at me. This has been going on for over 4 years. What can I do? I’m beginning not to care so much for him anymore!
Dr. Norquist responds:
It seems your husband’s sense of worth is very tied to how much money he earns. He is using this to justify behavior towards you that is not loving, respectful, or fair. Perhaps the two of you have differing concepts of what roles a husband and a wife should play in a relationship. If so, this needs to be discussed. Earning more money than someone else does not make that person better than another person and it certainly doesn’t give them license to be disrespectful and unfair. One of the basic ingredients required for a healthy relationship is treating each other with respect. He needs to know that his behavior erodes the foundation necessary for a relationship to be intimate. There can be no genuine intimacy in a relationship that lacks respect. You need to take a serious look at what you need to feel happy and healthy in a relationship and act on those needs. Remember, how we allow others to treat us is often a reflection of how we feel about ourselves.
Dear Dr. Norquist:
Last month, my husband confessed to me that he had a one-time affair (he called it a "quickie"). I am still devastated. He always said he would be faithful. I have always told him I would never stand for anything like that and would leave him if he ever cheated. Now it has happened. At least he was honest enough to tell me it happened. How can I ever forgive him? Will he do the same thing again if I give in to him this time? We have three children and he is a great father.
Dr. Norquist responds:
There is no pat answer to this question. You and your husband will determine by how you respond to this situation whether it undermines your relationship or forces it and both of you to grow. You each need to take an honest look at your relationship and yourself and try to understand what prompted this behavior on his part. Try to be honest rather than blaming each other. Perhaps your relationship needs more attention than it has been getting. Decide together how you can address each other’s unattended needs and feelings. It will take time to rebuild the trust. Consistency and honesty on his part, and the willingness to take the risk of being open and trusting again on your part will help. Forgiveness does not condone his behavior – rather, it is something you actively do, when you are ready, to let go of the anger and hurt you may be carrying as a result of his betrayal of your trust.
(Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.)
Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, 51 Newark St., Suite 205, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding and treating physical symptoms and health-related concerns. Practitioners of the following techniques are available to answer your questions: psychology, acupuncture, swedish and therapeutic massage, naturopathic medicine, hypnosis, yoga, meditation, Bach Flower Remedies, spiritual & transpersonal psychology, Art Therapy, reflexology, Reiki, Shiatsu, Cranial Sacral Therapy, Alexander Technique, and Jin Shin Do. Ó 2000 Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center