Dear Dr. Norquist:
My husband has had a drug abuse problem for over 10 years.
Dear Dr. Norquist:
My husband has had a drug abuse problem for over 10 years. He is now in recovery but he constantly resents me for making him choose his family over his drugs. He finally quit the drugs in order to get me and the kids to come home. The problem now is that the house is filled with emotional abuse. He throws it in my face that he quit and asks, "What do I want from me now, my soul?" I keep saying I am glad he quit, but that he can’t treat us bad. All he seems to do is freak out on the kids and me. However, part of our problem is no communication. I talk, he walks. I have changed over the last seven years since we met and had our first child and I love him, but like a friend, not a husband. I wrote him a letter last time I left and he was really upset that I didn’t talk to him about it. I just promised I would tell him if ever I left again. I’ve tried every day for the last year to tell him its time for us to separate, but nothing comes out of my mouth. I have dreams of just me and the kids living in our own place. I could really use some advice.
Dr. Norquist responds:
There is a phrase you may have heard among those in recovery … "He’s a dry drunk." When someone stops drinking or drugging, it is generally just the beginning of the change process. The problematic behavior, attitudes, life stresses and problems that fed the addiction do not automatically change as soon as the addict gives up his/her addictive substance. As you know, the desire for a healthier, happier life has to come from within. It sounds like your husband is not taking responsibility for the changes he has made, and those he still needs to make. In addition, he is attempting to make you feel guilty – "I changed for you and the family – so you should be happy." Just because your husband is in recovery doesn’t mean you have to continue to submit to his abuse of you and your children. You have a right to a home life that is not abusive. You have a responsibility to do your best to provide this for your children. He may want you to tell him before you leave, so he can do his best to talk you out of it. What’s most important here is that you take care of yourself and your kids, not that you tell him should you decide to leave.
Dear Dr. Norquist:
I very much want to put my marriage back together and I wonder if you can help me. I am right now in the middle of the legal process of divorce. Even though I started it, now I regret it. I am still in love with my husband. He is the sweetest man I have ever known. For some reason that I can just not figure, I keep pushing him away. He told me when I left that I could came back whenever I wanted and that he would never stop loving me. I want to go back so badly, but now I am scared that he has changed his mind about what he said. I made a big mess of everything and have been acting like a spoiled child. During the last few months, I’ve started to realize so many things I have done wrong and I know there are aspects of me that I need to change, but I’m mostly not sure of how to put the pieces back together.
Dr. Norquist responds:
Putting the pieces back together may be possible, but it will not be fast or easy. If he is still open to a marriage with you, it will take awhile for him to trust that you will not pull away again. It’s easy to miss him when he’s gone. But will you be able to be close if he is again emotionally available to you? Fears of intimacy do not disappear overnight. I’d suggest that you contact him and let him know what you are feeling – however, you are probably not ready yet to jump right back into the same situation. It would be best to first seek professional help to assist you in being able and ready to allow emotional intimacy in your life.
(Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.)
Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, 51 Newark St., Suite 205, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding and treating physical symptoms and health-related concerns. Practitioners of the following techniques are available to answer your questions: psychology, acupuncture, swedish and therapeutic massage, naturopathic medicine, hypnosis, yoga, meditation, Bach Flower Remedies, spiritual & transpersonal psychology, Art Therapy, reflexology, Reiki, Shiatsu, Cranial Sacral Therapy, Alexander Technique, and Jin Shin Do. Ó 2000 Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center