Dr. Sallie Norquist, a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice and director of Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken, answers some questions.Dear Dr. Norquist: I have been living with a heavy heart for many years now. I have one daughter, who I love dearly. She is 27 now, married, and has a child. Since adolescence, she and I have not been close. When she was young, we were inseparable, and had a lot of fun together. When she was 13, she started pulling away from me, and not sharing anything that was going on in her life. I told myself this was due to adolescence and that she would come around. This has never changed. To this day, I feel rejected by her. She lives nearby, but I don’t feel I’m welcome if I go to visit her. She only calls me to baby-sit my granddaughter when she has no other options. She calls her mother-in-law first – which is so hurtful to me. I feel like they don’t want me around much. My husband doesn’t seem to feel as rejected as I do. He says they are living their own lives, and I should let it be, but it hurts me so much. What can I do to get rid of this feeling? It’s like my heart has a constant hole in it. Dr. Norquist responds: It is probably your need for closeness with your daughter that is pushing her away. Have you ever experienced someone else’s need for something from you as draining? How did this affect your behavior towards this person? When we are in a state of neediness, a common response is to reach out to others to try to get our needs met. This also occurs on an energetic level. Energetically, we can try to fill up that hole in our hearts by attaching ourselves to others. This can be very draining for the other person. Think of various people in your life. Chances are it is energizing or up-lifting to be around some of them and draining to be around others. Try to notice what it is about the up-lifting, energizing people that make it so nice to be around them. It is likely that their inner well is full, their hearts are open, and they do not need anything from you. When you feel this way inside, you are up-lifting to others. In this state, your daughter is less likely to resist your company. Even if her attitude doesn’t change, it won’t feel as hurtful to you as it does now. So focus on filling your own inner well. An attitude of gratitude and acceptance toward everything in your life facilitates an open heart and an inner well that is full. Accept your hurt feelings and your current situation with your daughter, and use this hurt as a means of growing. Life is not supposed to be free of pain. The question we each have to answer (consciously or unconsciously) is how are we going to let this pain affect us. Will we let it drain and depress us, or will we use it to grow and up-lift ourselves? The second choice is the harder one, and you must find your own way to this path – no one else can do it for you. However, your reward is a deeper, more expansive, more fulfilling life. Dear Dr. Norquist: I have been dating my boyfriend for just over six months. We have an open and honest relationship. He shows me in so many ways that he cares for me deeply. I am serious about him, however the words I want to hear him say are hard for him to say out loud. He often tells me he would like to say certain things to me but that he doesn’t want to say anything until he is positive of what he is saying is true. I know that when he does it will be forever which is scary and exciting at the same time. I am wondering if you have any ideas about how to help me from letting it bother me so much that he doesn’t voice out loud what he seems to feel inside. Dr. Norquist responds: It’s interesting that in your question, you also have not voiced “the words” you most want to hear. I assume it is either “I love you” or “I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” I’d suggest that you practice sharing with each other whatever feelings and thoughts and hopes you have for each other and for the relationship, as the thoughts and feelings come up. It could be something as simple as a place you’d like to go together in the future, something you really enjoy doing with him, ways that you miss him when you’re apart, or something about who he is that is really special to you. You can do this without either of you saying “the words.” This will help you to build a strong foundation upon which to stand, so that saying “the words” will not feel so risky, or like such a big jump. It will also help the two of you to be more comfortable sharing your feelings together – an important skill for maintaining a close relationship. Listen with your intuition. Your heart will be able to sense whether or not he loves you long before “the words” are ever spoken. Love is a palpable energy that you can learn to sense. Build the foundation to stand on, and if it feels right to both of you, it is likely the words will eventually follow. Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, 51 Newark St., Suite 205, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding and treating physical symptoms and health-related concerns. 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